My baby boy,

My baby boy,

Today feels like a blur. I don’t actually know if I was “present” a lot of the day. I haven’t been taking as much care of myself and it’s causing my anxiety to get worse. It feel like I need to run for my life randomly at any moment in time, even if nothing is going on. I can be standing there unloading the dishwasher, but my mind thinks I’m about to be in a disaster. The worst part is that I can notice it, but can’t stop it. I cannot shut it off. I need to start doing things to ground myself. You know, the things I would make sure I did with you guys. Remember when I made you whisper yell at me to calm you down? You were laughing by the end and whatever you were upset about faded away and you were able to calm down.

I did something today. Then I went ahead and analyzed what I did. Because..why not? That’s what I do! I took your brothers to the commissary today to get some things. When we were checking out, the bagger looked at me and said, “two boys, I only have one so I couldn’t imagine”. Without hesitation I replied with “I actually have three boys and one girl. Plus, my other boy is the craziest of them all”. I walked out proud of myself. I didn’t stand there when she said it and fight with myself of whether or not I should include you, I just did. I raised three boys for five years, so I think I can at least say I have experience with it. While walking to the car, I thought to myself that maybe that was a good thing. Am I learning? Am I figuring out how I want to handle this? Then I asked myself if it actually meant anything and maybe I’m just trying to make it into something. Whatever. You still are and will forever be my son. This physical world can’t take that away from me.

Speaking of the commissary, I still haven’t figured out how to shop or cook without you here anymore. Food is getting wasted. The amount I make for dinner has so much leftover. Granted we eat it later, but leftovers are only really appreciated once by you guys. If I try and give them more than once, you guys act like it’s the worst dinner ever. We still have the Red Lobster biscuit mix you loved. I had it while you were still here with us, but I hadn’t made them. By the time I remembered them, it would always be too late and wouldn’t come out “on schedule” with the other food. I can’t get myself to make them now. Your siblings love them, they require very little effort, but it doesn’t feel right making that box without you here. Is it weird that I would probably feel better buying a completely new box and making that one? There’s something about this box having been here when you were and me actually thinking I should have made it for you guys that just hurts my heart.

I didn’t cry today until I wrote that about the biscuits. I think the last two days emotionally drained me at that workshop. My anxiety took over today and that’s what my mind was dealing with all day. A freaking box of Red Lobster biscuits made me start crying and now it won’t stop.

I love you more than you’ll ever understand. I wish I had one more chance to tell you to your face. I still tell you a lot, but I don’t know if you can actually hear me. I wish this wasn’t the dark turn that my life took. I’m going to figure out a way to make you proud. I promise you that. I will not have lost you and have that be the end of our story together.

Elijah wants to say, “hi Isaiah. Do you remember that day uh where we slided on the sand and on those body boards? And then we slided into the ocean? And I love you. Bye Isaiah, you know I have always loved you”.