My baby boy,

My baby boy,

I hate that you’re just gone. There was no warning. There was no hint towards something happening. I had no time to prepare my mind for the after. I blinked and my life turned to the “after”.

We went to a movie night at daddy’s work. We watched Coraline. I’ve never seen that movie. I will be honest, I’m not sure I liked the movie. Kind of creepy, kind of weird, yet a kid movie. I missed you tonight though. You would have enjoyed it. There was pizza, candy, and a photo wall thing. Watching your brothers taking pictures, I just pictured you in there with them. What poses would you have done? How many different times would you have went up there? Would you have liked the movie?

I had to take a minute and go walk outside, but that didn’t really help either. I saw you outside in the parking lot in your vampire costume when we were here for our first Halloween at daddy’s trunk or treat. That year you loved the trunk that had the bridge you had to walk over to avoid the sharks. I saw you walking down the road during the Thanksgiving ruck last year. You’re everywhere.

I honestly just don’t want to do this any more. When you and your siblings got upset before, I always knew it would pass. We would figure out ways to help the situation, it was never permanent. Lucas said tonight, “we used to be one good, happy family and now we’re not”. There’s no making any of this better and thinking about the finality of it all is just crippling. I know there’s no reason for this, but I have so many “why’s”.

I love you so much, my baby. I just don’t want to live with this anymore. It’s so much. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

Ellie wrote you another note today:

Hii Isaiah I love you and miss you. Hope you’re having a good time. We just got back from dads work watching a movie and I enjoyed it but Halloween is coming up and I’m not going to see my little brother who I loved so much and always will be together brother and sister always and forever I just miss you Isaiah . And I hope you are having a great and wonderful time but I’m going to go now love you Isaiah. Love Elliana for you Isaiah