My baby boy,

We had Kids Hurt Too tonight. I’m so thankful for that program and just the overall thought towards mental health. There is an older woman in the group who talks about how she didn’t have any resources available to her as a child after she lost a sibling. Could you imagine? I have groups to go to, I’ve read books, read articles online, and have listened to podcasts and still am lost on this journey.

I found out that there is a program in Pittsburgh along the same lines as Kids Hurt Too. They have the group once a week and the kids meet together according to age, while the parents are separate. This is the exact thing I was worried we wouldn’t find when we moved.

Taking this next step is absolutely terrifying. I keep thinking I will “know” when it’s the best choice, but that’s a lie. I talked to Miss Mandy today and she told me to think of all the good possible outcomes that could happen. It’s so easy, yet I thought it sounded ridiculous. I discovered that I never think of the best possible outcome. Instead, I think of every possible bad thing and something good isn’t even a possibility. This thinking is the type I didn’t want to pass on to you and your siblings. Although different, good things could come from this. Why not think that way? I feel like I’d be lying to myself though if I said that’s how I will think from now on. It’s much easier to think that I’m going to move your siblings back to Pittsburgh, ruin their lives, and they will forever hold this against me.

I’m waiting for the “signs” that it’s time, while simultaneously ignoring any sign that I get. I wish you could tell me what to do. I don’t know how you’d know, but now that you’re in the spiritual form I feel like you have this crazy knowledge of life. Maybe you can even see into the future and know what will happen because of my decision.

I need some guidance, baby. I need to for once in my life, trust myself. I’m always looking for someone or something to tell me the answer. Still, maybe you could help me.

I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.