My baby,

Hi sweetie, I miss you so much.

We decorated gingerbread houses tonight. I wasn’t really feeling up to it, but your siblings have been so patient. We either had to wait for everyone to be home, had events going on, or Bella ate the houses. Ellie and Lucas made a donut shop. They mixed a lot of icing colors together and Lucas ate a lot of the candy and icing. Elijah and I made Target, but it in no way resembles Target. Although Elijah did put the little balls out front like the real Target has. Daddy built a gummy house. I think they’re turned out well. We listened to some Christmas music during it like we always do. The huge missing piece was you.

So I feel like I’ve had a bad day, but I think it’s actually a “bad” week. The extra bonus about being a mother and going through this grief is the days leading up to my cycle and the hormones every single month. I just get to sit and watch as a horrible thing gets even worse. I pretty much crash and burn into an anxious and sad mess.

I signed up for the marathon because I wanted to prove to myself that I was strong enough. As I said a week or two ago, that was just stupid. I crossed the line on Sunday and didn’t feel proud. I wasn’t even happy. It was just a thing that was done. I guess I was expecting this huge emotional release at the end of it and feeling like “I’m strong, see?”. I talked about it with my therapist today and she told me I need to just take it how it is, be happy that I finished like I wanted to, and move on.

My fears from yesterday carried over to today. Me worrying that an “okay day” means I didn’t love you enough. I reached out to some mothers who have also lost kids because I needed to know if this was “normal”. I needed to know the underlying meaning so I could go back, figure it out, and try and not feel this way anymore. It’s useless. This is grief. This is being a mother. This is losing a child suddenly and unexpectedly.

The holidays are posing a new challenge. I’m struggling with wanting to do all the celebrations because I feel like your siblings deserve it. They already lost their brother, they don’t need to have a disappointing Christmas. I know this isn’t rational thinking. On the other hand, I don’t want to do much. The things that remind me of you make me sad. I’m just not in the spirit this year and that’s it. I want you here. This season makes me miss you even more than I already do.

One of the mom’s who I texted today sent me a picture from the Christmas party. The picture is completely clear, except for the orb that’s pretty much over my face. I don’t know how much I believe that maybe it was you, but thinking it does make me feel happy.

Maybe my sadness is keeping me from seeing your signs. I am sorry if it is me. I’m really trying, but it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.