Hi baby boy,

Hi baby boy,

Happy Thanksgiving Eve! We did our yearly tradition of a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. We had our pretzels, popcorn, jelly beans, and chips. I didn’t make toast though. Nobody ever eats the toast so I didn’t want to waste the bread. We watched the movie because the boys weren’t able to find the book. Lucas could only find Charlie Brown’s Valentine and that wasn’t going to work. You sat with us at the table.

You came with us to both “family feasts” we went to today. The first one was at Elijah’s Pre-K. They also did the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, but did Cinnamon Toast Crunch as the toast. It’s actually a creative idea and I never thought about that. We sat your picture at the table with us while we were there. Then Ellie had her “family feast” at Daniel K. That one was a little harder to attend. Just six months ago we were sitting outside at the school and eating with both you and Ellie. I have a great picture of you from that day. It’s on the blanket some moms made for me so I get to stare at that handsome face a lot. We sat down to eat and in typical fashion, Ellie wanted none of it. We had your picture sitting with us on the blanket though. I could picture you last year in the grass right by us and playing soccer. I oddly stare at third graders and just picture you standing among them.

I’ve really never been crazy about Thanksgiving. I don’t think I have been back home for a big family Thanksgiving in twelve years? It’s usually just me cooking an obnoxious amount of food for just a few people. Remember last year when we had all the leftovers? We made up plates and took them to all the Soldiers who were working the gates and weren’t home for Thanksgiving. This holiday was never even a big deal for me, but I feel your loss tremendously.

Lucas and Elijah have already talked about how excited they are for Dallon and Emily to come back tomorrow, since they always appear on Thanksgiving. I’m pretty positive you knew the truth about Santa and our two elves last year. You would say things about how so and so said it wasn’t real, but you stuck to the fact that you would keep believing. I was actually going to possibly use this year to have you and Ellie help me with the elves. They stress me out after a few days and I feel like I’m over them. You would have loved that job. We never followed the “traditional elves” because I just brought these two stuffed elves home one day and went with it. You guys had me moving them several times a day, every single day. Lucas and Elijah have been talking about finding the elves and how they were playing Sushi Go the one time and then the time they were in the doll hot tub with marshmallows. One of Lucas’ favorite memories with you was finding the elves. I wish you were here to live the magic or even help create it.

I think I would be okay not having Thanksgiving tomorrow, but I feel like your siblings need it. I don’t want the year we lost you to also be the year where they just didn’t get to celebrate holidays. Their lives have already been completely altered, I can’t add more.

I sometimes go to this weird space in my mind where I think I will just randomly see you. Somehow, I think I will physically see you again. Then I have to sit there and tell myself “that’s not possible, you’re gone, and your physical body is now the ashes in the urn downstairs and in my necklace”. It’s a lot to take in.

I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks to the beach lately. It’s usually in the middle of the night or when I first wake up. The one therapist told me I needed to let my mind go through the flashback each time and I can’t keep pushing it out of my mind. So instead I just stare at your face while you receive CPR.

I made my stuffing tonight. Do me a favor and ask great-grandpa Szyper if that’s actually how he made it. He will probably roll his eyes and tell you it’s not even close. Blame Gma, she’s the one that taught me how to make “his” stuffing.

Isaiah, I love you more than life itself. I will never understand why this happened. I will never come to terms with you being gone. Instead, it’ll just be learning how to live without you and with a grief that consumes me. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.