My baby,

I was angry again today. Is that really surprising at this point? It seems like if I’m not crying then I’m just so mad. I ended up running tonight after I got home from Ellie’s gymnastics (your favorite). I don’t know how it became this outlet, considering I’ve been running for the last twenty-five years and never used it as an outlet for anything. Twenty-five years? That’s ridiculous. I had to redo that calculation like three times because I didn’t think it was that long.

I listened to Taylor Swift, of course. The first half I was listening to the Lover album, because that always takes me back to a “simpler time”. I had four kids that were six years old and younger, so I guess I wouldn’t call it simple. We were in Missouri, I was running a decent amount on troop trail, and listening to that album on repeat. I would run in the double stroller with you and your brothers. When Ellie was with us, I made you guys ride your bikes. You all hated it, but did it because you loved me, or because you had no choice. I miss those days.

While I was running, I saw the first house of the year with their Halloween decorations up outside. I know you would have been so excited to hear that. Maybe you’d make me drive you up there to show you? It was farther than you’d want to walk. I loved just walking around here with you guys. It helps that when we walk around to look at Christmas lights in December that it’s 70 degrees at night.

I miss you and it’s just been a bad day. I want you back here with us, that’s where you belong. I wish you could visit me in my dream and just give me a hug and kiss. I would love to even hear your voice. I love you so much, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.