My one and only, Isaiah Joseph,
My one and only, Isaiah Joseph,
Hi baby. Another day has gone by without me seeing your beautiful smile. I miss you. Remember how I told you that there’s certain things of yours that I can’t let go of? Honestly, if it was yours at any point, I’m attached to it. Some of the things I wonder about though. One thing is your black water bottle. That one wasn’t even the last water bottle you were using, you used the Sonic one. I don’t think we could find the black one so bought the Sonic one? Anyway, it got washed in the dishwasher the other day. It’ll never be used again. It sat there for too long with stuff in it. However, I put it under the kitchen sink. I feel like I’m becoming a hoarder with your things. I also look at your pairs of tennis shoes still on the shoe rack in the laundry room. Neither of your brothers will be able to wear them when they get older, you destroyed both pairs. They’re covered in red dirt, smell because you refused to wear socks, and the shoe laces are all torn because you always got them caught in your bike. Once in a scooter. All because you knew how to tie your shoes, you just didn’t want to. You would tell anyone who asked you about it that you had no idea how to tie your shoes and then they’d tie them for you.
Maybe that’s something I should have asked the parents at the retreat? How do I let go of belongings from my child that can’t/won’t be used again? I physically don’t think I can’t get rid of the things myself. Do I just hold on to everything, box it up, and just maybe look through it every so often? I’m sure you had different people you would have wanted some of your stuff to go to. You would have loved for people to have things of yours if it made them happy.
Ellie was in the homecoming parade tonight with Daniel K and the Eagle Council she’s on. It was our first parade we’ve gone to in Hawaii. The parade wasn’t anything crazy, but I definitely think every resident in Wahiawa showed up. Elle said her gets hurt because she had to walk .8 miles. She just ran a mile yesterday in 7:27, so I think it was more that than the parade.
Ellie goes for her echocardiogram tomorrow. The last cardiologist seems to think none of the issues are related to the heart, but she will get an MRI and do a stress test just to make sure. When he said it most likely wasn’t heart related, I got a little flustered. They’re telling me they don’t think the event was a neurological one because she doesn’t have the epilepsy gene even though she has epilepsy. If it’s not her heart or neurological, what the heck is it?!? Then it’s the wonder of what the heck happened to you?
The SUDC people called the medical examiner yesterday for me. She talked to the actual medical examiner and not just like the office like I usually do. I guess he’s waiting on some of your medical history to try and find a cause of what happened. He said he will try to get his investigation finished soon, but I don’t know how much I believe that. I hope to have some kind of answer by the time the new year starts.
I miss everything about you. I miss both the good parts and the bad parts. I miss your messes, your jokes, your kisses, and your kindness. Whenever one of the boys ask why you had to pass away, it stings a little more. When they say that each time I have to admit to myself that yes, you did pass and no, I won’t ever see you down here on Earth again. It’s a lot to take in, but it’s still so surreal.
I love you more than anything, my protector. Please watch over us. Goodnight and sweet dreams.