My Isaiah Joseph,

We dropped daddy off at the airport this morning. It was a nice visit, we did a lot of things, and I was able to get a lot of things done around the house with daddy’s help. I’m thankful he was here when we had to say goodbye to Apollo and it was nice to feel like a complete family for a little bit.

Lucas cried at the airport and Elijah did his usual and held his tears in. Daddy pointed him out to me and I asked him if he was okay and he at least responded with “no”. Ellie was good, but randomly told me later today that she wants to just show up and surprise daddy in Hawaii and she wished he didn’t leave.

I luckily had therapy tonight because there was so much to unpack. I don’t know if I told you this, but on the morning when we were putting Apollo to sleep, the vet said she was coming to our house between 9:30-10am. As soon as I woke up, I had that panic feeling that I had when I knew I was coming down to my last hours with you. I didn’t understand why and for whatever reason did not want to compare the two things, but my therapist told me she completely understands why those feelings were coming back.

With daddy’s trip, I was grieving your loss again. I was forced to see the entire “family” together with you missing. I was forced to say goodbye to our dog who knew you and loved you, feeling like I lost yet another part of you. With daddy here, I looked at each day and had to grieve the life that I thought I would have. I had to see the “what could have been”, but ultimately wasn’t. Once daddy left, I was forced to look at my even smaller and less chaotic “family” now that Apollo and you are both gone and daddy is in Hawaii.

I’m stuck here sitting in the very reality I wish I could just run away from, but need to face every second of every day.

We got Apollo back today and put his urn right next to yours. I hope you’re together. I hope you’re watching out for each other. I hope you’re watching us together. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.