Hi baby,

Hi baby,

I forgot to mention it yesterday, but it marked five months since we lost you on May 31st. Five freaking months. That’s crazy. It seems like it was so long ago and I have trouble remembering how I felt in life before I lost you. Sometimes I have these irrational fears that I’m forgetting you. What if I forget your voice? What happens when you not being here is the new normal?

Lucas was asking today if the dogs got to live longer than you did. He was amazed when I told him that Apollo has lived longer than you did, but Bella still needs another year and a half. I know it’s just how he’s processing everything. I know he doesn’t mean to add extra pain, it’s just hard.

Your siblings keep asking if maybe they can ask Santa to bring you back. Ellie asked today if I thought maybe you could be brought back just for the day. It’s sad that’s one thing they want and keep asking for, so I keep having to explain that it’s not possible.

I’m just going through the motions now and trying to survive day to day. You want to hear some disheartening things I’ve heard from other bereaved parents? After the first year, they say things get worse. They say that a lot of the first year is just surviving and you’re in shock. I can’t comprehend that, so I will just focus on the day by day here and now.

I have to start lifting, I need to try meditating, I need to make time to try and do yoga..somehow. Maybe one of those will be a magical answer to surviving just a little easier.

I love you so incredibly much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.