My baby boy,

I know I asked you last night for some of your strength and perseverance and I’m wondering if you heard me. You were in my dream last night. In my dream, you had passed away, but you came back to see me dance in a recital. I know it’s weird, but you were there. In my dream I was so incredibly excited to see you. I hugged you so much and didn’t want to let go. Maybe it was just a perfectly timed dream, or maybe you knew I was struggling.

Lucas was crying about missing you last night when he was going to bed. He stopped crying and asked a question. He asked what the white stuff coming out of your mouth was that day at the beach. I feel like I’ve been living in this little world where I think your siblings can’t be haunted by the same things I saw. They’re too young and innocent, that can’t be going through their brains, but I was wrong. I had tunnel vision after I pulled you out and the next time I looked at you guys you were out of the ocean and a few feet away with Mrs. Phillips. I guess it was easier for me to think they didn’t look at you and that they always remember a better version of you.

I packed all the boys’ clothes today. Everything I pulled out you had worn at some point. It hurt. The worst part was actually going through their underwear drawer. There were some in there that only you’d worn. You also had a long phase when you never wore pants in our house, you just ran around in underwear all day and night. I think I remember you wearing some of those pairs of underwear more than any actual pair of shorts or pants. I decided to save a few of the pairs with all of the old clothes I’m keeping. I thought that seemed odd, but daddy actually didn’t even question it and said it wasn’t. I also saved a few random socks I found, like your lightening McQueen pair that you wore when you were just a toddler.

I hope you know how much we love you. I hope you know how much we miss you. I really hope there’s a day in my future when I will get to hold you in my arms again. I love you so much, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.