My baby boy,

Tomorrow will mark another event where I can say “I made it through”, my first Mother’s Day without you.

Ellie made me a card at school and at Aunt Cait’s house. In both of them, she told me that you’re always with me and will be celebrating with us. I’m so thankful she made sure to include you in that. When I get a card or note from someone and it has everyone’s names, I immediately panic and wonder if they’ve put you before I even read everything.

We are going to go to Gma’s for brunch and then we are going to go over Beenie’s house. I asked your siblings to just let me sleep in until 7am, that’s all I’m asking for. Aunt Cait took Ellie to the store so I could get a present from all of you. Everything Ellie picked out was great, but I definitely think the Chipotle gift card was picked knowing she would get a meal out of it. Maybe you could show up somehow tomorrow? Give me a little sign?

I was outside today trying to finish getting the yard together. Honestly, I feel like I’ve done a pretty decent job and it definitely looks better than it did before. While I was gathering all the dead leaves from by the steps, I found a red feather. I don’t know where or when I heard it or read it, but I saw that finding a feather could be a message from a loved one. I immediately went back to that information when I found it. With it being red, I then got excited and wondered if it was actually from a cardinal. I brushed it off because thinking that is just weird so I kept gathering my leaves. Not even a minute later I found another feather. I need to just decide that I want these to be signs from you so that’s what they’re going to be. It makes me happier to think that, so just let it happen.

You know how like me, you also got seasonal allergies at the beginning of spring? Elijah has another connection to you because today was a rough day for him. He kept screaming that his eyes were burning and kept insisting that he was allergic to the sun. As he was going to bed, he declared that this was his worst day in Pennsylvania and why did my family have to live here. I’m sure you would have been able to talk him down a little bit.

Ellie had a great idea to go on the trail today. Uncle Alec found bikes for both Ellie and Lucas so they’ve been wanting to get out and ride. Elijah still only has his way too small balance bike and chose that over Lucas’ scooter. I figured I could get a nice two and a half mile run in.

It’s been a while since I’ve run with you guys. Virginia and Hawaii weren’t always the easiest to do with a stroller and bikes, but we ran so much in Missouri. Today’s run was a mess. Ellie was yelling at Elijah because he was going too slow and complaining. I think Elijah chose to ditch his bike around a quarter of a mile in. As Ellie was going off, I had to remind her how much you and her used to complain when I’d run with you.

We always did a four mile run on Troop Trail. You and Ellie would stop about a hundred and fifty meters from where I would turn around and wait for me. Each time this happened you guys would get off your bikes, sit in the middle of the path, take your helmets off, and yell at me how horrible the whole experience was for you while I passed you on the turnaround. I had to remind Ellie of that. Remember how Lucas would want to bring his balance bike each time, insist he needed to ride it on the trail, and then bailed on his idea within the first tenth of a mile? I would just put the bike on the double stroller and go. Plus there were all the times I ran with the double stroller, but had three of you in it. You and Ellie were the only two who sat on the footrest part and I am amazed at how you guys managed to keep your feet off the ground.

I know you’re watching over us and you see what’s going on. I hope you’re proud of us. I love you more than anything, my sweet boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.