My baby boy,

I don’t know why I asked, it’s close enough to a year that I have a ballpark range of how many days it’s been since I’ve heard your sweet voice. It’s been 356 days since you were my baby boy that I had grown to know and love. It seems like a cruel joke, but it is our reality.

I got some things accomplished today. I managed to get your room cleaned up a little bit. It’s still a mess and there’s still things in there that don’t belong, but it’s getting better. I hung up the other set of curtains on your window and got your drawings hung up that I framed. Elijah helped me out by keeping me company in there as he built with your Legos. He put some of his builds on your bookcase and wanted to shoot them down with your nerf guns. I’m pretty positive you did the same thing. I reminded him that you said your really small one that only holds one dart was the most accurate. He chose that bigger one that you put the Keiki Kingdom yellow guy keychain on. I think he thought it would have some power behind it, but the dart pretty much dropped to the ground as it was coming out.

I filled out some information regarding your website. I had to put some of my favorite memories with you and I picked some of the last few that showed your kindness. Something pretty messed up though is the fact that I’m questioning if I’m forgetting things about you. I seem to go to the same memories when my mind goes to you right away. Those memories, of course, are the ones that had just happened in the few months and weeks before you passed. Realistically, I know that’s because I haven’t had any new memories of you to add on to my preexisting ones. I’m also sure that after you lost consciousness on the beach and as I sat in the ambulance and hospital, that my mind went through all the last memories I had with you and held onto them for dear life.

Elijah asked me today if it’s okay that he tells his future kids that their uncle died. I told him absolutely. I told him that I want his kids to know all about their Uncle Isaiah. I think him and Lucas hold on to the fact that talking about losing you causes them to get upset and me to get sad. Since everyone gets sad, I think they worry they’re doing something they shouldn’t be. I remind them all the time that we will talk about you every single day for the rest of our lives.

Losing you has given me a new purpose. Losing you has caused me to step up and do the best I can to navigate your loss in order to help your siblings. Losing you has given me a goal to work for, which is something I sadly haven’t had since running in college.

I owe the person I am to my children. Raising you all and then losing you has shaped every little part of me. Please keep an eye on us. I miss you so much. Goodnight, my baby.