My baby boy,

Two years ago I wondered how all the stuff in my personal life happened. Wasn’t I a good person? Why would something like that happen? Then I lost you and I lost all faith in the universe and that being a good person got you anywhere. Was I actually a horrible person and these were just my consequences? I lost my faith in a lot of things that day.

The first days, weeks, and months after losing you were a blur. It was strictly survival and on some days I didn’t think I was going to make it. I couldn’t have the gratitude for the things I have now. The people that showed up and continue to show up have been unbelievable. In all honesty, I wonder if I deserve all the love, kindness, and support that I continue to get. I now can say that yes, bad things happen to good people. However, I feel like I have the support I do now because of how I’ve lived my life. I see that I wasn’t being punished by the events before your loss or even by your loss. Instead, those were just horrible life events that are now part of my life story.

When I came home from dropping your siblings off at school this morning, there were two boxes by the door. I saw that they were from Miss Madison and Elijah and I opened them up.

Isaiah, I could not tell you the feeling when I saw what was in this box. Miss Madison got people together and they sent a Target gift card to get decorations and anything else we need and sent forty-seven of those little LEGO sets that come in the bags. These were given so we can give them out to other children and spread kindness in your name. What an amazing gift to get. There was a wonderful letter and messages from other people, some I don’t even think I actually ever met. I had no words.

How can I continue to receive such amazing and thoughtful things that allow me to keep your legacy going? What have I done to deserve such amazing people that have come through and continue to support me, you, and our family?

I got blank cards at the store and am going to write a quick version of your story. I’m going to hand them out this upcoming week to celebrate you every single day while hitting the anniversary of the worst time in my life.

I left the note for you to read and am starting to cry just thinking about it. Other people are helping me make it possible that you are never forgotten. You, my son, are part of what is keeping me going. You are the one who has allowed me to find new goals for myself. I love you more than anything in the world, my sweet boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.