My baby boy,
I went back and read my first letter to you, a year ago today. While reading it, there were many things said that first letter that I’m still telling you today. I described how it was to first go back to the house and see your room the last way you left it. I remember how I would hear Elijah digging through the big bin of Legos and my mind would go directly to you in there building.
Neither of your siblings came home last night. I didn’t sleep well, thinking I might miss a call from them, but the call never came. However, I got a call earlier this morning from both of them and was so relieved and happy. Lucas sounded like a boy I didn’t even recognize. He was so incredibly excited and told me how he had climbed a forty foot net. Remember, he would never do the paddle boards, canoes, or the surfing in Hawaii, but here is he being brave and putting his fears aside. He also asked me why I put a Minecraft quote in his toothbrush holder. I told him that it was there to make him randomly smile and asked if it worked, he said it did.
Ellie told me she completed a ropes course that was eight feet up in the air. She’s always second-guessing herself and talking herself out of doing things she wants to try. I’m so proud of both of them and it was a huge sigh of relief to hear how much fun they are having at camp.
I had therapy today and she asked me how I was doing with them at camp. I told her that I have this anxious and uncomfortable feeling, but I don’t know why. I was the one that wanted them to go to this camp and I’m aware how beneficial this can be for how they grieve you and process their own grief. If I’m the one who wanted them to do it and know the benefits, why am I uncomfortable. Furthermore, why can’t I even pinpoint why I’m on edge? According to her, I put everything in a box and think it can only be one thing. It makes sense. Your siblings have never been away from me for more than twenty-four hours, except when you guys went back to Philly with daddy for four days before we moved to Hawaii. You were the one who was gone for a day or two a lot, but you were always with Miss Courtney and she would send me pictures throughout the day.
Each day I think I’m failing and falling behind on things I want to accomplish. I’m tired and just don’t seem to have all this extra effort that I need to put in. As I was running today, I realized that all these small wins add up. Granted I’m nowhere near where I want to be with everything right now, but it all has to start somewhere. I will get there. I need to be thankful for the little wins and tiny steps forward. I love you more than anything in the world, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.