Hi baby,
I am emotionally exhausted from missing you. It seems ridiculous how worried I am that I will forget you. it seems like you’ve been gone for years. This Friday it’ll be five weeks since the incident. It’s irrational for me to worry about forgetting you. You’re my son. You’re part of me. I could never forget you. The fact that I can’t just see, hear, or touch you anymore makes me feel so far away from you. The grief from losing is you is something I could have never even fathomed before this.
In the back of my mind I always thought “nothing can happen to my kids”. I held your hands crossing the street, I made sure I always had an eye on you outside, you guys all stayed by my side at stores. As it was happening on the beach I stupidly thought “it’ll be okay, he has to be fine, this can’t happen”. I never mentally prepared for the possibility of something like this. How could you prepare though? Nobody wants to think about losing a child. As far as we knew, you were perfectly healthy and there was no need for us to worry about that aspect. As a parent, even thinking about something happening to your child never seems to enter your mind. If it starts to, you hurry up to reject the thought and put your mind on anything else.
I went to go check the mail earlier and another little part of my heart just broke. Playing across the street was your little crew. They were playing soccer and with the glider airplanes you guys loved. I just kept thinking “Isaiah should be over there. I should be telling him that it’s almost time to eat”. I just pictured you running around over there, super sweaty. If you were here, you would have definitely been right over there with them.
I also took your brothers to the library. They did the “I Spy”. You loved doing that. You’d get so serious and run around looking for the pictures. If you found one, you’d call your siblings over to see so they could cross it off. If I found one or someone else found one and told you, you had to go over and see it yourself or you could not get yourself to just cross it off. There were the few times there were other kids doing it either right after you or during it. You’d ask them if they needed/wanted help. Every. Single. Time. We’ve always loved going to the library. We went for story time and just kind of explore in Tennessee. We spent the most time at the library in Missouri. They had the awesome room with the tiered seats and giant stuffed animal cushions to sit on. We did the activities, STEAM night, and even did the trick or treat story walks. Fort Lee didn’t really have a children’s library so we went to the one outside of post. There was a big boat in the children’s section. You guys even loved the library at Gma and Paps house. They had a lot to play with there. We were always at the library here. You loved looking at the graphic novels and would just get sucked in. Plus, all those amazing creations we made at the “Block Party”. Your Yoshi was one of my favorites. Remember my random one with snakes in a pit? It made no sense, but that’s no surprise.
When we go places, I wonder to myself if people will notice that you’re not there. It happened today at the library and commissary. It doesn’t make sense since Ellie wasn’t with us either. She was over at a friend’s house. It just must be another way my mind is reminding me that you aren’t with us. You would have asked for frozen pizza, because that’s all you ever wanted. Plus, it’s July now so you could have gotten your sour drink.
Lucas wants to tell you, “I loved playing with cats vs pickles with you. I loved playing Minecraft with him. My turtle house and the nether Lego sets are done”. Lucas and Elijah were quoting you today when they were playing Sonic the hedgehog. According to them, you said “oh it’s a message. Dear Tails, I hate you. What?!?!?!?” They said it over and over again.
I love you so much, baby. I miss you with every fiber of my soul. Maybe you could stop by soon? Visit me in my dream? Take food wrappers and randomly leave some of them lying around so it feels like you’re still here? Keep watching over us, sweetie. I love you so much. Goodnight.