My baby boy,

Were you there to greet Apollo this morning? We told him it was his time to come and take care of you.

Of course, I was second guessing myself the whole time, but as soon as the vet walked in she said he definitely had a neurological thing going on. I let him out twice last night, one of those times he fell out the door onto the patio. I know it was for the best, he was shaking when he would breathe because he was in pain.

I made all your siblings come into the living room when the vet explained what she was going to do. Daddy and I have had a few conversations with them about what was going on, but I wanted them to hear from a professional and someone that wasn’t their parent. I told them after the vet was done talking that they were welcome to say their goodbyes to Apollo and leave the room. Ellie left right away, Lucas went to hide in the kitchen, and Elijah stayed for the first part of everything. Once Apollo was given then anesthesia, Elijah got up and walked away. On his way out of the room he said, “I’ve already lost enough family, I don’t need to be here”. Once Elijah left, Lucas came into the living room to sit with Apollo.

It sucked. Apollo is the first pet I’ve lost in my adult life. We got him three months before Ellie was born, it would have been exactly twelve years on July 5th. He was there through all the beginning phases of our family and was honestly the best dog. I missed him tonight when I came to put the boys to bed. He’d always follow me into their room and lay on their floor until I left and then he’d follow me to my room.

Lucas is really struggling. He keeps blaming the veterinarian for “killing Apollo” and no matter how much we explain it, he doesn’t care. I’m going to try and find a children’s book at the library on Saturday. There’s got to be a book on that, there’s children’s books explaining everything. Lucas is currently sleeping on Apollo’s bed on top of his own bed.

I’m thankful daddy was here to help through all this. I’m also glad that he got to say goodbye to Apollo, too. We got Apollo’s paw print and put it over on the table next to your urn. I’m going to find a picture of you and Apollo together and get it printed out.

We were all in my room tonight and I couldn’t help but notice how our family seems to keep getting smaller. Not only is it getting smaller, but it’s also getting quieter. I’m used to absolute chaos and noise, that’s how life is with four kids and two big dogs. I just feel like I’m losing my life and what I had.

I hope you two found each other right away, I really hope that’s what happens on the other side. Thinking that it does gives me a sense of peace for the both of you. I will hold on to that hope and that feeling for my sanity.

Please keep watch over all of us. We will continue to fight through it, but this life is making it very challenging. I love you more than anything, my baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.