My baby,

It’s very late so I’m going to keep this short.

You know how I told you that your siblings randomly just ask questions about you and how everything happened? On the way home from dropping off Ellie and Lucas, Elijah just started talking about you.

He talked about how you guys would play Rudy, but he mentioned that you guys didn’t get to play as much. I told him I know that you were always busy and running around, but you made sure to make some time for Rudy. He then went on to mention how he thought you were mad at the beach when you were ignoring us. Finally, he asked a question that’s been brought back to my attention quite a few times. He asked us why we told them we thought you’d be “okay”.

I don’t really recall saying this, but I also don’t recall when I even talked to them the day everything happened. That day is a blur. I know they had a ton of fun at Madalynn and Eleanor’s house. They actually know what they had for dinner when they were there. I know daddy went home to stay with them the first night, but I don’t know what he said to them.

We were told early on that there wasn’t much hope in you coming back to us. Daddy and I talked and we said that we needed to be truthful with your siblings. We were told we needed a miracle and something that defied science, so we told them what was going on. I can’t imagine telling them, “you never know, maybe he will be okay”. That’s just cruel.

Elijah wasn’t the only one who thought of you today. Miss Areka saw a bottle of coke with your name on it today so she had to get it. I love that your sweet face pops into peoples’ heads on a daily basis.

I miss you and I’m exhausted. I’ve been in “survival mode” for too long and I feel like I’m starting to lose it. You want to know something, though? I was thinking about you tonight and I have this feeling that I will see you again. You know I’ve been struggling with the “what’s next” and my faith has been wavering, but this was comforting. I just felt like “oh, I will see him again”. I hope that’s true and I will hold onto that hope until the day that I die.

I love you more than anything, my sweet boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.