My handsome boy,

The retreat yesterday brought up some stuff for me that I wish would just disappear. My life at the time when I lost you was in complete shambles. I was barely holding on and none of those issues that were actively happening in my life were ever dealt with. You and your siblings had a front row seat to a lot of it.

As soon as we lost you, I shut those parts of my brain down that were dealing with all the prior things. Handling both things at once wasn’t an option, so surviving your loss became the goal.

It was odd how things transpired after losing you. I pushed things to the way back of my mind because I couldn’t mentally handle anything else. In an odd way, I thought I just handled all the old stuff because of where my mind was at.

A little over a year later, those two things are starting to mix back together and it’s getting difficult to navigate. I think the hardest part of it all is that I don’t want to deal with anything more than just your loss. It’s such a struggle now, so how can I possibly add more on top of that? Pushing it all down is getting more difficult, though.

The first thing I noticed at the event yesterday is that everyone else there was a complete family. Every other family had both parents and all of their kids there. I’m not sure if it’s something your siblings noticed. A lot of the groups we go to are just for kids who have lost someone and most in those groups have lost parents. Because of that, it’s usually just the moms with the kids so maybe they didn’t think anything of it.

The feelings are starting to mix for your siblings, too. Lucas really started to struggle tonight and then fought with himself on the feelings he was having. As a mom, it’s tough to watch. I was supposed to protect you guys, that was my job. I couldn’t protect you, I couldn’t protect your siblings from losing you, and I couldn’t protect your siblings from being in a one parent household.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight, sweet dreams, and please watch over us.