My sweet boy,

Guess who I saw in my dream last night?! Apollo was in my dream last night. I’m taking that as my sign that he’s good. I feel like I have a dream a few days or weeks after everyone’s death that puts me at ease. I remember it happening with my Uncle Bob and my Aunt Bev. I questioned my dreams with you, but that’s because I have way too much riding on those dreams meaning something. Apollo was out running in the street, as happy as could be, and then started playing with the foam football that I actually got rid of in the garage a few days ago.

I like to think that these dreams are all ways of everyone telling me that they’re “okay” now. I told my Uncle Bob he looked so good in my dream because he had been battling cancer. With Apollo, I paid attention to how well his legs were working and he was bouncing around like the younger dog he always acted like.

Back in October, a woman reached out to me from the SUDC program. She was a mom who had suddenly and unexpectedly lost a child back in 2014. At the time, I wasn’t ready to reply. Everything was too raw and I couldn’t bear to deal with a conversation with her. I finally replied back to her today.

We are going to schedule a time to talk on the phone, but I don’t even know what to talk to her about and ask her. I would love to hear her entire story, but I don’t know what to ask. Do I ask if this pain just feels like this for the rest of my existence on this earth? What are some ways that she’s honored her child? How did she deal with the “no answer to why this happened”? Will I ever just feel like life is worth everything? I don’t know, it I babe time to figure it out.

I love you more than anything in the world, my sweet boy. Goodnight and s wet dreams.