Hi sweetie,
Today was busy. Everyone had to go to the cardiologist today to get their hearts checked. Good news, all EKGs and echos were good and all three kids currently cleared. They aren’t completely out of the woods yet. If your autopsy comes back and it was something cardiac related that didn’t show up on the genetic testing, they’ve got to go back for more in depth tests. However, we are going to celebrate the “now” and say that we can breathe a little easier right now. After the cardiologist, we went to Zippy’s for lunch, then Ellie had therapy.
There was a lot of retelling people what happened that day. The cardiologist only had bits and pieces of the story and they were confused by what happened. I had to go through detail by detail of that day. How you were active before we got there, how we thought you were mad and ignoring us, to me pulling you out, you not needing a shock from the AED, going into cardiac arrest, then the continuous seizing and the trouble they had keeping your sodium level stable for the brain death test. I had to do the same thing with Ellie’s therapist, just more details around the emotional side and what losing you has done for our family.
Once we finally got home, I was just tired. It seems weird to be tired considering I just went to four doctor’s appointments that weren’t for me and sat there. Maybe that’s what it is though. There was a lot of stress around today before we even went thinking “are they going to find something in someone else”. Then it was just constantly talking about you and what happened, but just strictly for information. So I just had to keep relaying all the information and couldn’t take a second to just let it sit there. It didn’t matter how hard it was, it’s my job to tell them all the details of what happened if it could in some way help your siblings. When I’m there just to tell people factual information, it’s like I need to keep all my emotions out of it. Push them all down and just continue on. Once it was finally all over, we were home, and I could just lay on the bed the grief just took back over.
You would have liked dinner tonight, I made zuppa toscana. However, I just wasn’t thinking and I am pretty positive I added ingredients I usually don’t and forgot some things I usually put in there. Can you even still call it zuppa toscana then? I don’t know, but everyone liked it so I know you would have enjoyed it. It’s also your pick tonight so I put on Shawn the Sheep. You got really excited a few times you got that movie out from the library. I checked to see if the new Lego Masters was out, but it seems like there’s no date for that. I had no idea there were Lego Masters shows in other countries. You would have loved that.
I wish my life could return to what it used to be at the beginning of May. There was so much excitement, promise, and new possibilities. Now I feel “stuck” and know nothing will ever be like it used to. I love you so much, my baby. Please know that even though I spend each day crying and screaming, I am so happy that you were part of my life. You were and will always be such a mama’s boy. I love you so so so so much. Goodnight and sweet dreams.