Hi sweetie,

Thirty-four days since you’ve been “gone” and forty-one days since I’ve heard your sweet voice, seen you smile, looked you in the eyes, or just had the joy of being in your presence. It seems like just yesterday, but also forever ago at the same time.

Today was Ellie’s first time back at the beach since May 31st. We just went to sit as a family. I didn’t know, but Ellie didn’t want to go to the beach because it reminded her of you and it makes her sad. I took her for a little walk down the beach and we sat down to talk. I told her how the beach wasn’t the bad thing and asked her to remember all the good times you guys had at the beach. We started talking about your lieutenant Board game. Only a military kid would come up with that game. You essentially battled the waves with your boogie board, who was “lieutenant Board” and would try to save him? He saved you? I’m not exactly sure, you were always just yelling at the boogie board. We talked about the game we usually played at Bellows, where you and Ellie would grab onto my legs and I would try and knock you guys off and run away. You were always so good at that game. Even if you got slammed by a wave, you rarely let go. I usually only got free because I could slip my leg out quickly. Ellie then talked about the “hugging game” you would play where you guys would hug each other when a wave was coming and try not to get knocked down. Once we started talking about those good times she started to smile a little bit. I told her how I know it hurts, but we need to still talk about you and the things we loved and the memories we made. She was also worried about talking to daddy about you because it would make him upset. We just explained that he gets sad, but that’s fine. It’s okay to be sad. I will tell everyone about you. I don’t want people to know about you, but be afraid to mention you or say anything because it might upset me. Sure, I may cry, but that’s okay. If something reminds someone of you, I want to know about it. If someone thinks of a random memory with you in it, I want to hear about it. I will never not want to talk to you because it’ll make me sad. I’m already sad every second of every day. Mentioning your name won’t make it worse, it’ll give me a chance to talk about my crazy, sensitive, smart, and loving son.

Somehow today we got on the topic about how you and your brothers always got their nails painted when Ellie painted hers or I painted mine. You guys loved it. It made you happy. I told Ellie how in kindergarten you had your nails painted at school and some little girl in your class told you “boys can’t wear nail polish, nail polish is for girls”. You replied with a simple “yes they can, nail polish is for everyone”. When I told Ellie your response, she seemed impressed and in awe that you stood up for yourself that way. She is dealing with a few of those things now with kids as she’s getting older. I will continue to remind her of what you said. It doesn’t matter what other people think, life is way too short to live it trying to make other people happy. I want you guys to always feel like you can be who you are, wear what you want, do what you want, without worrying about what other people will think or say. I spent far too long doing that.

In my research with siblings who lose siblings, the number one issue that comes up is how nobody asks the kids how they’re doing. Everyone focuses on the parents and forgets that your sister and brothers lost a huge person in their life too. I told daddy that we need to make sure we go out of our way to ask more. I’m very open with crying in front of your siblings, they know I write to you, I talk about you, I tell them I miss you, but I need to start making sure I specifically ask them how they are doing with everything. We are going to make a special garden for you in the yard. Since we can’t plant anything in the ground here, I bought a bunch of flower pots for all of us to paint. Once they’re painted, everyone will pick out their own plant or flower for you and we will put our garden together. I’m pretty sure my pot will have a Lego theme. Maybe I can make a bunch of different Lego heads around it, add a little “everything is awesome”, things like that. I know you’re probably rolling your eyes and telling me I always kill plants. False. I sometimes do, but we will work as a family to keep your garden going.

It used to bother me when I would tell people I was a stay at home mom. I always got a lot of “when are you going back to work?” “Is that all you do?” “So you don’t have a job.” It bothered me, but I was the one who decided I wanted to stay at home with you guys. I taught first grade when I had just Ellie and I cried at daycare drop-off every single day. Then when you came along and daycare cost just about as much as I would make teaching, daddy and I decided I would stay home. I always thought it was a thankless job. I didn’t expect any praise from you guys for literally just being your mother. Plus, I wouldn’t find out till later in life if I did a good job or not. There were a few times where I looked at all the kids I used to coach at Cal and the amazing things they were doing professionally and thought I was falling behind. I stressed about the cleanliness of the house and thought that was the one benchmark I needed to make to be successful. After losing you, I wish I would have said “screw cleaning” a little more. However, losing you has made me so thankful for my decision to stay home and has given me a purpose. I realized that everything I had done had always mattered. It’s not that I wouldn’t find out till later in life, it was right in front of me every day. I’m glad I did the random things with you guys. I’m so happy to have all the amazing memories I have. I’m thankful to you for teaching me so much. You taught me how to be calm and just let you guys explore. You taught me how sometimes I need to try fifty different methods to deescalate a situation before I find one that works. You taught me how to trust you to watch out for your siblings. You never let anyone take their toys at the park or anywhere else. If someone grabbed their toy, you went right over and said “excuse me, can I please have the toy back?” You are nothing short of amazing.

I feel like I’m just rambling now, so I will go to bed. I swear last night that I felt tapping on my lower back and thought it was you trying to get my attention. I don’t know if that’s actually happened or it happened in a dream. I thought I was awake? I’m second guessing that now. Maybe it was you last night. Maybe it was you the night before who yelled “mom”. I’m sorry if you keep coming and I’m screwing it up. I mean, it’s me so it’s not at all surprising. I will try my best to focus in my dreams, but make no promises. I love you so much baby and we miss you more than anything. Keep watching over us and know that a minute does not go by that we aren’t all thinking about you. Sweet dreams my baby boy.