Isaiah Joseph,
Another day has gone by. I’m lying in your bed right now with your pillowcase you had in the hospital draped around my neck. It smells like you did in the hospital and makes me feel like I’m right next to you.
I already feel like I’m losing you. It’s been nine days since I’ve heard your voice, seen you open your eyes on your own, or have gotten a kiss from you. I’m oddly scared that I’m going to forget what your voice sounds like even though I have hundreds of videos to remind me. It’s like you keep slipping farther and farther away and there’s nothing I can do about it. I never thought I would lose you, so now that you’re suddenly gone I don’t know what to do. On the last day in the hospital, I knew “the end” was near. You were set to leave for the OR at 3pm. As the hours went on, I started to just panic. I cut off an extra lock of your hair in a hurry in order to hold on to any little piece of you I could. I took it out of the bag today and ran my fingers through it like I did your hair at the hospital. I have no idea what I will do with that lock of hair. It’ll probably just stay in that bag so I can pull it out when I want to feel like you’re there.
We tried to get out of the house a little today. You immediately feel your absence in the truck. Suddenly, there’s three kids in the back and nobody in the middle..just dad and I. That’s now “everyone”. We went to Target and Elijah immediately said he wished you were there so he could play “Run Run Rudolph”. I know Lucas is younger, but he’s so blunt. He replied with “well you can’t because Isaiah is dead”. I know he doesn’t mean to make things more painful, but that’s cuts like a knife. I couldn’t get myself to look at the Lego section. When walking by the toys I literally turned my head the opposite way so I wouldn’t have to see them. Also, it’s a new month so it’s “sour drink day”! You always got excited for that. I cried more on the way home and then Push came on by Matchbox 20. You loved that song after hearing it in the Barbie movie. You honestly listened to it on a nine hour loop while you slept. I can’t blame you, it’s a great song.
Kolekole wasn’t open again this weekend. As soon as it is open, I’m going up to that amazing spot you found and am just going to sit there for hours. You were so proud of that secret spot and honestly, it’s beautiful. I want to go to the beach soon, it’s always so peaceful. Well, not always. That day the visual of how you looked when I pulled you out of the water is forever burned into my brain. I will never go to Ko Olina again, but I’m hoping to find peace at the other beaches. I will probably go back to Mokuleia, where you and I went a few weeks ago and went snorkeling. Remember how I saw that sea turtle in the water while I was under there and panicked? Also, I wish I would have been brave enough and pick up that boot I saw in the coral so you could see it. I didn’t know if something was living inside and didn’t want to touch it. Now I wish I would have.
I tried making a deal with the universe that it can come take me and bring you back. You deserve to be here. You deserve to live a long and fulfilling life. It doesn’t seem real that you’re just gone. I wish I could go back to that Friday morning and decide, “maybe I shouldn’t go to the beach” and maybe you would have had a chance after you lost consciousness. It was my idea to go to the beach. Me. I can’t help but think you would still be alive if I didn’t feel the need to go to the beach that morning.
I love you so much baby and we miss you more than I ever thought was humanly possible. I feel like life is just broken now and will never go back to the way I felt before all this happened. Even in my worst nightmare scenarios of my life, losing one of my kids was never an option. I wish you would just walk back into your room, super sweaty, and stomp away when I told you that you needed to shower. “Worst day ever!”
Please watch over us. Please visit. I want to see you again. I want to know you’re alright.