Isaiah,

Today was filled with a mix of emotions as always. I woke up this morning to find that we finally got your genetic test results back. I read them and pretty much didn’t understand it. I then sent it to nearly every heath professional person I knew to see if they could tell me anything. It says that they identified two different variants, but cannot tell us what these variants meant for your health or if they even affected you. One was linked to your heart and having too fast of a heartbeat. Another one was linked to frontal lobe epilepsy. Obviously after seeing these two things, I went down a rabbit hole on everything. Although we don’t know if it was, you had an awful lot of symptoms related to the epilepsy. Remember the febrile seizures? Remember how you used to repeat yourself under your breath for like a year? Remember when we had that ridiculous episode driving from Virginia to Pittsburgh? All those things were addressed by doctors. They said it was either normal developmental things that you’d grow out of or the screaming thing being a night terror. It makes it hard now to look back and wonder “what the heck could we have done?”. How could we have known? You went to the hospital after every seizure or event. What could we as parents have pushed, if anything? I have an elementary education degree, not a medical degree. There’s a lot of “what ifs” with this. What if we pushed harder to the hospital after your episode in the van? I mean, I even took a video and showed the doctors, but should I have pushed more? Frankly, I don’t even know what I would push for. What if someone had mentioned the frontal lobe epilepsy just once? I would have went down that hole right away and could have seen the signs. What if you did have this, but we weren’t at the ocean, would it be the same outcome? Would medication have possibly prevented this whole thing? Is this even the actual cause of everything??!!?? I am not sure, baby. You would think learning this information would give us a little more into what happened. It just made me more confused and more mad at the things that were ignored.

I hadn’t bought a necklace or anything for your ashes for your brothers. They are too young. However, Lucas asked me yesterday if I could please order one for him so he can hang it from your Super Eagle picture they have of you in their room. He was really adamant about needing a red one since that was your favorite color, so I managed to find one with a red gem. He’s excited. I didn’t have my necklace on this morning because I was lifting in the garage. Lucas asked me why you weren’t with me. So as soon as I finished, I went up to get my necklace. Once I showed him that it was on, he made me bend down so he could kiss it. Your brothers refer to you as the “strongest kid in the house” and the “Lego master of the house”. You would be proud of Elijah. He got three different Lego sets for his birthday and did all of them. Today, he took apart his hamburger truck just so he could build it again. Lucas asked for Lego sets for his birthday for you, too. He tried to see if they had a Lego pizza shop, but from what we could find they don’t make them anymore.

Remember when we went to the Lego Discovery Center in Kansas City? You were so incredibly excited. You played that ninja laser game so many times. Getting to see some of the builds just amazed you. Sure it wasn’t Lego Land and you still wanted to eventually there, but you loved it. I’m not sure if you liked the fact that we stayed at Great Wolf Lodge or the Lego place better. You guys still all talk about Great Wolf Lodge. Your main thing during that stay was to jump into the pool, over and over again.

Lucas wants to tell you, “I love you so so much and I loved playing Rocket League and Minecraft with you”. Elijah wants to tell you “I’m five now and I miss you so so much. I love you really much. And I will always send letters to you at my dreams. And I hope you have a good day”. I have included a picture from your brothers because Lucas wanted to send you one. As you can see, both got much needed haircuts they didn’t want today.

We miss you so much, buddy. I’ve got your light on again and put your fan on three. After looking through your Alexa history, I still laugh when you tried COUNTLESS times to get Alexa to turn your ceiling fan on even though you know they are in no way connected. I love you so incredibly much, please watch over us.