My Isaiah Joseph,

Yesterday turned out exactly how I thought it would, the grief took over and I didn’t do a thing. After the appointment, I came home to run. After that run, I was useless. I told daddy I was checking out for the day and laid in my bed. Luckily, daddy and I seem to alternate our really bad days so the other can take over.

My brain was done yesterday. I didn’t even want to listen to my usual shows and try and fall asleep. I wanted no noise. I couldn’t think of a thing. Yesterday, I said I no longer wanted to exist. I want to see you again and no longer want to feel this way. I would never do anything, your siblings need me, I know that. I will fulfill my duties as their mom and push on as always. It’s just an odd feeling. I just want to be with you so badly.

I’m starting to question my spirituality. I keep thinking you should have obviously presented yourself by now. You should have been in my dreams and told me you are alright. I should have seen definite signs through my day that were “from you”. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough? Maybe I’m not open enough to everything since my mind is all over the place every second of the day? There has to be an after this. I know there’s an after this, that’s what keeps me going. All of a sudden though I’m thinking, “what if there’s not?”. I think it’s just my mind catastrophizing the situation. I do that a lot in my daily life. When I’ve lost you, how can it get much worse? My mind can answer that for you..there’s nothing after. You, your spirit, your light..are gone forever and I will never see you again. I know I’ve cried and begged you to come visit me. I’m sorry I keep asking. I doubt everything in life now. What I thought wasn’t possible, happened.

Your brothers and sister are really struggling. Elijah just got up this morning and went and sat outside. He says he’s just sad and misses you. Lucas got the necklace and we put your ashes in it. He carries it around in the box so you can be with him. He brought it downstairs this morning so you could be with him while he played video games. He broke down at dinner and cried because he didn’t kiss you enough. He’s sorry and has so many regrets. Ellie? Well, Ellie is really struggling. She won’t open up to anyone about you. I don’t think she wants to feel how bad it can get. She won’t even really talk to her therapist about you. We went to a new beach today and she sat away from us, looked at pictures of you, and cried by herself. We are going to a kids’ grief group next week. I’m hoping that’ll help a little or give me more resources. I’m very worried about all them and how this will affect them for the rest of their lives. I want to do everything possible for them to process this entire thing, but I can’t even do it myself. We talked about you on the beach today and what you were probably doing. Lucas thinks you were out exploring the deep ocean. Elijah and I thought you would be trying out kite surfing like the guys we were watching. Ellie wasn’t sure. She said it’s weird that I think you can be all these different places. I told her I’d love to believe that you’re with me all the time. That if I needed to at least talk to you, you’d hear me.

I know how lucky I am to have four amazing children. I know I’m still lucky that I got nearly an entire eight years with you. I know that regardless of how much this life seems to suck right now, that I’m lucky. It could be so much worse, but it’s difficult to view everything that way. I’m thankful for Hawaii. This place got me into such a good state of mind that I’ve been able to cope and handle what this last year has thrown at me. I was able to make so many amazing memories with you here. I know you were able to experience so many awesome things. You loved it here. It was your favorite place we’ve lived too. At first I was worried that I would begin to despise the ocean because of what happened. I wouldn’t be able to go there anymore because that’s where my life crumbled. However, I can still find so much peace there. I can see you, hear you, and remember all the different memories with you. I’m going to try and go back to Ko Olina one day. Just relive the whole thing and attempt to process and make peace with it. I’m not there yet, but I have till next June to figure it out.

I love you so much my crazy second born. You fit every stereotype of the second born. That’s probably why I thought you were so much like me. I wish you were here. I wish you could come into our dream tonight and tell us you’re safe and happy. You could tell us that you have been watching over us. Maybe you saw us reading in your room? Maybe you saw your friends at your celebration of life? I will try and be more open to everything and stop worrying. Perhaps that will help. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.