My Isaiah Joseph,

Yesterday, the moderator asked everyone what the differences were between losing a spouse and losing a child. I was the only one who has lost a child, but I thought it was an odd question. Yes, there are differences. However, to sit and pick them out made me feel like you’re trying to argue over who has it worst. Maybe it’s just the mood I was in. Maybe because I was the only mom who lost a son, it just hit that way. I guess I don’t get why you would compare the grief of one person to another person. Every circumstance is different. The question pretty much got shelved because I think everyone felt the same way.

I know that I personally have a few things I have gone through since losing you. The first is that I’m your mom and it was my job to keep you safe. Losing you made me feel as if I’d completely failed at the one thing I was meant to do as your mom. Another thing is just the total loss of a future. It’s not like divorce or something where the person is still around and exists. The future that I had planned for myself, the family I saw having in the future, your plans were all just erased. I didn’t have any crazy “plans” for you, but just the thought of family gatherings being incomplete is enough to wreck anything.

You would be proud of Ellie. She got Super Eagle this quarter, just like you did right before you passed. She’s really thrived this year in school and has become really involved including Eagle Council, Music Club, and Cross Country. I’m sure you’ve checked in on her at school and I know you’d be proud of her.

I have been sleeping worse than usual. I wake up around 1am to go move the elves around and then I just lay there. Lucas came in twice last night, but doesn’t even remember the first time. The second time was because he had a bad dream with mannequins with shrinking heads and Doctor Colasso from The Thundermans.

It doesn’t feel like Christmas is just a few days away. Maybe it’s better that way? If everything is “dulled down” at this point then maybe it won’t be so extreme on Christmas Day. I’ve also heard from a lot of people that the second year is actually worse than the first. They said you’re still in shock the first year and then the second is just so much worse. My baby, I don’t see how it can get any worse.

I love you with all I have, sweetie. Goodnight and sweet dreams.