My Isaiah,

Hi baby. You’ll think I’m crazy, but guess what I did today..I put up the Halloween decorations. Only the inside decorations though, Island Palms would write me a strongly worded letter if I put them up outside right now. I did it to try and cheer me up. It did cheer me up, but also upset me at the same time. You loved Halloween and you loved decorating. I put that owl/witch/pumpkin that you liked by your urn. I also put that little dancing ghost on the top of the castle decoration (the one from my childhood) by you too. This is officially the earliest the decorations have ever been up. As a childless person, I usually put them up at the very end of September. Then when I was pregnant with Ellie, I was due September 25th so I put them up at the beginning of September to ensure they were already up when she arrived. At some point it then turned to August? I think I was excited for the fall weather in Missouri and then I just needed to “feel fall” the best I could in Hawaii. Honestly, it’ll probably stay this time from now on. I will need a little extra cheer after your birthday every year.

Your siblings went to the Kids Hurt Too Hawaii tonight. They loved it. They came home with yet another fleece blanket that people donated. Your siblings said they “passed” their turns to talk because they didn’t want to be sad. I don’t know if any of the other kids talked, but I know their “teacher” did about losing his mom. They played a ton. They jumped off the rock wall, went down the slide, and jumped on a mat with stuffed animals. Elijah raced his new friend, too. They have it three times next month. I’m going to stick with it. Your sister and brothers seem to really enjoy it and hopefully it can help them heal just a little bit, or at least feel understood. Plus, it’s a pot luck next month so of course we need to go if there’s food.

Remember when we went to the pumpkin patch in Missouri and you just stood against the fence of the goats with your shirt pulled up and belly against the fence? I honestly have no idea what you were doing. I was excited to take you guys to a real pumpkin patch this year in Pittsburgh. Missouri had a bunch of randomness and some pumpkins thrown out in a grassy area. Hawaii doesn’t have all the fun things at theirs, plus we were sweating so much last time getting our pumpkins. Then we had to carry all five pumpkins from the patch to the car like a half mile away. It was rough. Elijah and Lucas couldn’t carry theirs, so I had to take three and you and Ellie struggled carrying yours over. As much as I talk about the Missouri patch being weird compared to what I grew up with, we still had a lot of fun there. You loved that thing set up like a pool table on the ground with all the soccer balls in it. You guys also loved those little tikes roller coasters and jumping off the ramp into the hay.

My therapist used to tell me that I just keep walking into the brick wall. There’s too much going on and I just think I can keep powering through it. At the time it wasn’t the healthiest decision because I was doing this while putting everyone before me. I have since learned that I need to do some things sometimes for myself. However, I think that mentality is what will keep me going through your loss. Lucas asked for the calculation tonight of how many days you got to be here on Earth. I think it was around 3,400? That’s not nearly enough days. We had so many more memories to make and you had so many milestones in life to reach. Today at the group we talked about how it always seems like it’s the really good people that get taken too early. The other two people lost their spouses. Their spouses were always the people willing to help everyone. That was you. Not only did my thoughtful and loving son get taken, but you got taken away way too early.

It’s weird how the world just seemingly doesn’t even pause after we lost you. I’m completely shattered, yet everyone around me is just going along with their day. When your world collapses, it seems so odd to look at the outside world continuing on as always. For me, my life is now going to be measured as “before Isaiah passed away” and “after Isaiah passed away”. My entire life has shifted, but also hasn’t changed. I will think fondly on all the memories I had before your passing. After, it seems difficult to think fondly of these memories I now have without you. These new memories made while I have a giant hole in my heart.

I know I am very lucky to have what I do. I have four loving, giving, and helpful kids. I got almost nine amazing years with you as my son. We’ve lived so many places and have met so many different people. We are very fortunate to have what we do, so it seems wrong to say all of this is completely unfair. You deserved so much more. You deserved to get all the life experiences into adulthood. So although completely unfair to you, our family, and every person in your life that you’ve made a mark on, I am still so thankful for what we did have. I always told you that you were going to do some great things when you got older. I had no idea what, but you were determined. You will continue to do great things, baby. I will make sure you still do.

I love you, I miss you more than anything, and goodnight baby.