My baby boy,

We are currently back at Kapi’olani where you were. Elijah is getting his EEG right now. I’m hoping he actually falls asleep, unlike Ellie. He managed to stay up till midnight and was not happy at all when I woke him up at 4:30am. He kept trying to go back to bed, but he wasn’t allowed. He was also happy we parked on the eighth floor of the parking garage because you were eight years old. He recognized the hospital as soon as we pulled in. Hopefully it won’t be too long before we hear the results of this EEG.

I still don’t like being here, too many reminders of the horrible time. I’m thankful though that your pediatrician is helping get all these things done quickly. I feel like there’s been so many appointments since we lost you. Plus, new appointments keep getting added each time because something was found at the previous one. I hear Elijah breathing, he fell asleep.

Later at night..

So I have good news! This is honestly the first time I’ve said those words pertaining to this current medical chaos. Ellie’s genetic test for epilepsy came back and she doesn’t have any of them. She still has epilepsy, but no mutated genes. Also, I already heard back and Elijah’s EEG came back normal. That’s amazing news, but honestly made me more confused about what happened with you. Miss Mandy has been going down so many rabbit holes regarding your heart gene and possible things that happened. We may never know, but there’s a few “explanations” out there. Maybe it was all your heart? I have no idea, but that’s now worrying me with your siblings. They all go to the cardiologist next Wednesday though, so hopefully we will know if they have anything going on with their heart.

Remember that sugar skull decoration I bought at target three years ago? I finally decided today that I need to just sit down and paint it. I always wanted to make sure it was “perfect” and I had all the materials I needed, the right colors, I even looked up paint pens on Amazon because I thought that would give me the best results. So it has sat there the last three years all white and sad, but it looks good now! I’m going to put it next to your urn once I finish it. I will try my best to get the entire thing painted by this Halloween. I’m just being realistic, this is usually what happens when I have been meaning to start something and then I finally do.

Elijah was watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tonight, the ones you watched. As soon as the theme song came on I automatically thought of you and how that song was one that was on repeat for hours on end. It might be around thirty seconds long? That’s a lot of song for hours and hours.

In my memories, it popped up that I went hiking on Kolekole two years ago today with just you and your brothers. You looked so happy and carefree. I miss every aspect of you. Please keep watch over us. Please also come and visit. If not me, visit one of your siblings in their dreams and have a random dinosaur in it so I know you read these. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.