My baby,
Hi sweetie. It was a busy day. Elijah starts Pre-K on Wednesday and hopefully Lucas will be starting first grade this week. Lucas said he’d rather go to prison than go to school, so that’s a plus. I told him maybe he would love it like you did, but I don’t think he’s very hopeful of that.
Why does life have to be so hard for you to actually learn things from it? Right before you passed, I thought I would start measuring my life from “before the move” and “after the move”. Instead, it’s become life before and after you have passed. It’s become this life that I don’t even recognize, but I’ve learned so much from. Honestly, every single day is still up in the air with how it’ll go. I had a lot of really bad days the last two weeks. So bad that I questioned whether or not something was wrong with me. I tried to pinpoint the extra anxiety and sadness on my period, my change of diet, me just losing it? That’s just part of this whole thing. It’s odd that for the rest of my life I will measure time by “before I lost Isaiah” and “after I lost Isaiah”.
I found a two-day training workshop through one of the grief groups I’ve joined. It’s a training on how to help siblings who have lost siblings. I think I’m going to sign up. Whatever I can do to help Ellie, Lucas, and Elijah out with this trauma, I will do. Maybe that’s what I can do once I get back to Pittsburgh? Start a group for kids who have lost siblings. I don’t know. I just feel like I need to jump on every opportunity I have with trying to deal with and process everything.
You want to know something completely ridiculous? I had a dream last night and you were in it, but I didn’t remember right away. I remembered after I got up and asked your siblings if they had any dreams about you. You were at home, but fell asleep on the couch. I had realized that you went to sleep before taking your seizure medicine and wanted to make sure you took it. That’s odd considering we didn’t even know you had epilepsy before you passed and were never on medication for it. Then I know I hurried up and woke up to check my email, because I had dreamt that the autopsy got sent to me. I checked, but there it hasn’t come through yet.
I wish I could tell you how much I love you. I think you knew. How many times would I randomly yell your names throughout the day and then just quietly say “I love you”? I know that you knew. I just wish I could remind you again. I wish I could annoy you with my amazing accents. You guys pretend they aren’t good, but I know you’re impressed by them and hoped I would do them for your friends when you got older. Don’t lie. You were embarrassed by me, but you let me be my weird self. Ellie..now she does not want any part of being near me during those times. You guys all have that little bit of weird from me and I love it. I love you so much, baby. I hope the family is taking care of you up there and you’re still able to be an amazing big brother. I love you more than anything, goodnight sweetie.
Elijah wanted to write you a message. “Hi Isaiah. I love you so much. Will you please visit Lucas in his dreams? I don’t think you’d be happy because me and dad already completed Rudy. I love you, Isaiah, so much. Muah!” (and then he hugged the phone).