My most crazy kid,

My most crazy kid,

Hi baby. I miss you. I finished the training today and got my little certificate. I can now start and run a sibshop anywhere to help out siblings who’ve lost siblings. It’s also for siblings who have brothers or sisters with a disability or chronic illness, too. Just a way for kids like your siblings to feel “seen” and not as alone.

Today the bereaved siblings came in and they went through a workshop. I cried, a lot. Hearing some of these kids talk about their siblings and how they’re dealing with everything, it was just heartbreaking. It doesn’t help that I put Ellie, Lucas, and Elijah into every single situation. Where would they put themselves on a sliding scale of wanting to talk about you? My guess is they’d all be down near the “not wanting to talk” side. They got asked about something funny their sibling had done and all I could think about was how much laughter you brought to our house. Yesterday, Lucas and Elijah were cracking up when they were talking about you spawning the Wither in Minecraft while Elijah was in the water? I don’t even know if I called that thing the right name or what exactly was funny about this situation, but your brothers were laughing so much. The retreat is less than two weeks away so I’m hoping that’s something that can really help us.

I don’t think us ending up in Hawaii was a coincidence. There’s a reason daddy didn’t even interview and try to come here, yet we ended up here. I never would have come here to live for three years, it was just too far away from everything. Yet, here we are. Since you have passed, I’ve been a lot more involved with the local community through the different grief groups and events. I’ve never been surrounded by so many welcoming faces. The majority of the people at the groups are born and raised on this island, everyone seems to know everyone. At different times people will just ask me how I am, invite me to eat with them, give me a hug goodbye even though we just met..it’s pretty amazing. The aloha spirit I’ve come to see all the time makes me so thankful that I am here right now.

I’ve always wondered if things happen for a reason or if it’s just people trying their best to fit pieces of their lives together to make some sort of sense of bad things. Why did everything happen just days before we were going to leave? Was doing the initial healing best to happen here? With us not having left, daddy was able to be with you the whole time in the hospital. Why did I meet some of the people I had in this military life? Miss Brittany, Mr. Fred, Miss Whitney, and Miss Mandy just jumped on a plane to be here. Miss Christie texts me every few days just to say something encouraging, I never reply, but she continues on doing it. Miss Madison is always just checking on me, even when they’re on vacation. Beenie and Aunt Sarah have been helping me with the medical side of everything that happened and what I need to do moving forward. The “village” that I’ve had has been amazing. The amount of support from daddy’s unit after this had me in such awe.

I feel like it’s taken me too long to really appreciate everyone that I have in my life. It’s not that I hadn’t appreciated them, but it’s like I felt like I would be bothering people to ask for help. I thought I needed to just get it done myself and stress about everything. When daddy was at the border years ago, Miss Kerri came over and brought gingerbread playdough she made and offered to help clean the house. I was single parenting, pregnant, and had three kids under the age of five. I wanted her help, I would have been so thankful, but I couldn’t say yes. Would she judge our house? Would she think I wasn’t capable of anything? Would she think I wasn’t appreciative enough? So instead of taking the help, I struggled at it alone. Obviously it meant something if I’m still holding on to the fact that she asked.

After you passed, I didn’t have it in me to say “no” to anyone. I had no idea what was going on, what to do next, how to continue on life..I was not going to reject anything. I didn’t know what I needed and I still don’t know what I need.

You loved this place just as much as I do. I’m here for a reason, the people that are in my life are there and managed to last are still around for a reason, the work I did on myself and things I’ve learned since living here happened for a reason. I don’t want to say you were taken away for a reason, but my next steps and years down the road I will hopefully know what’s happened as a result of losing you, and the reason I’m doing it.

You were so incredibly intelligent, fiercely kind, sensitive, funny, and a list of about thirty other positive attributes. My life is better because you were in it. I have learned things about being a mother, about patience, about loss, and about love from you.

You appeared in my dream last night. you were standing behind a window next to your brothers. As always, I knew you had passed away. You gave me a big smile and blew me a kiss and I blew one back. I hold on to those seconds in my mind. I love you more than anything, my baby. I hope I’m able to do something that makes you proud. Please watch over us. Goodnight and sweet dreams.