Happy Easter baby boy,

I don’t know how to start this. I just took the annual duck costume picture. I didn’t want to do it this year. I didn’t even want to think about doing it this year. Usually I do it outside in the afternoon. Tonight, I took it at 8:30pm and your siblings sat on the couch. I forced myself to take it because I don’t want to regret not having it. I’ve done it every year since Ellie was born. I’m planning on forcing my grandkids to do the same thing, I needed to do it. Lucas managed to still put the duck costume on and zip it up. Next year, he will probably just have to put the hood on his head like you and Ellie did. Ellie held your urn and we gave you some bunny ears. As I was doing this I was asking myself, “what the F am I doing?”. I got the picture, but I most likely won’t look at it.

Lucas was the one who managed to find your Easter basket this morning. He actually found it rather quickly and spent more time looking for his basket. I put it in a still half packed moving box that’s sitting in the middle of the kitchen. Lucas was literally standing right there so I just think him finding it was out of convenience. Elijah built both your Lego set and his Lego set. He reminded me of you again, he made the jet out of the one set, looked at the finished project, and asked if he could take it apart and make the helicopter. He did just that.

Remember how I told you I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with all the stuff in your Easter basket, well I figured it out. We went to two different parks today, the sandbox park and the zip line park. I bagged up all the things in your basket and brought it to the park. I went up to the parents, showed them your picture, told them your name and that we lost you, and then told them that you still got an Easter basket and asked them to pick a thing or two. I explained that you were such a giving soul that we wanted to carry that on even though you aren’t with us. I think the one that made me smile the most was the one kid when we only had a few things left. He was probably around sixteen and I thought he’d just take one of the candies, but he didn’t. He actually took this light up blue wand thing that had a kind of bug face on it. The top had these clear things that lit up in a different color, the big face lit up, and then the disco looking ball on the bottom changed colors. The best part of him choosing it was the fact that he actually sat there playing with it and looking at it for a minute when he was by himself. I will be honest, I definitely would have taken the same thing.

We put your picture on the table at dinner at Gma and Pap’s house. I wonder how much you would have eaten. You probably would have eaten half your weight in ham.

After everyone found their baskets this morning, I sat and watched Captain Underpants with them. When the movie was over, I randomly went outside to start power washing the back porch. I wanted to just not deal with feeling and thinking about you not being here. It’s a ridiculous task to do to run away from your problems, but at least it was productive.

I thought this was my last first, but I guess I still have Mother’s Day. I will deal with that in a few weeks.

I love you more than anything, my sweet boy. Goodnight, sweet dreams, and Happy Easter, sweetie.