Isaiah Joseph,

Your siblings come back tomorrow and I’m definitely ready to have them back in the house. I’ve missed them so much and although I enjoyed my “break”, I was ready for it to end after two days.

I went out today and got all the things I need for New Year’s Eve tomorrow. I don’t know how it became a thing, New Year’s is now the day I make the queso. I think I may have made it the two years before you passed? I’m not sure, but when I asked your siblings what they wanted they all said, “your cheese dip”. I got some shrimp for Ellie, some hoagies for dinner, and then I got my good luck Pittsburgh pretzel. When we first moved to Tennessee, it was just a few days before New Year’s Eve 2012. I was so distraught when I discovered that the “good luck pretzel” seemed to be more of just a Pittsburgh thing. As the years went on, I would even try to find German bakeries and ask them about the pretzels, but nobody ever knew what I was talking about. This will actually be Elijah’s first time experiencing it, I don’t think we have gotten one since I was pregnant with him.

We are about to close another year that you were never here to see. It’s no longer, “we lost him May of last year” and now “we lost him almost two years ago”. That reality hurts.

Right before we left Hawaii, I went to one of the events with Let Grace In and made a vision board for the upcoming year. 2025 was a year full of huge changes for us and I can look at my board and know there’s things I may have at least “tapped” into, but definitely parts I didn’t address.

In Hawaii, it was so easy to get out in nature because it was all so close and I found all of it to be so breathtaking. The mountains, the ocean, just the island as a whole really grounded me. On my vision board, I put a lot of emphasis on getting outside and being in nature. I know how much it did for me in Hawaii and I wanted to make sure I continued it into Pennsylvania. I didn’t continue it at all, I have no idea why. It just seemed more “out of reach” here or maybe it’s because I would have to bring your siblings now and Elijah is the only one who appreciates being outside. I feel like they are all just excuses and I kept telling myself I needed to “get out more”, but it didn’t happen once we moved.

On my board I also cut out, “does heaven exist?”. I was really questioning the “what happens after” aspect of life after losing you. Although I’m still terrified I will never see you and question things, I’ve opened myself up to the possibilities of what is next. I’ve read books, asked for signs, and went to see a medium. Although I still don’t have the answers that I wanted to have at this point, I’ve put in the effort to address this one.

As someone who has struggled with eating disorders and body dysmorphia since middle school, I made sure I put “from the inside out” on my board. With everything that happened before your loss and then losing you, things got out of my control. I’ve always based my worth on my appearance, even though I preached the complete opposite to you guys. Navigating your loss, a move, and being a single parent were already enough things for me to focus on, I didn’t want to focus on things that didn’t matter. I’ve done half decent at this one, but want to get back to working out. I don’t want to do it for aesthetic reasons, which is why I did it before, I just need to find an outlet and take better care of my body.

One of my last things I addressed was “finding my people”. I feel like this one came to fruition in many different ways. I was able to reconnect with family, I managed to jump right back into friendships that were over twenty years old, and I found two different groups to help your siblings and I handle your loss. What I’ve realized is that I actually have so many people in my life and I couldn’t be more grateful. Some of these people I see all the time, some of them live in Pittsburgh, others live in another state, and some I never even actually met in person. When people hear about you and your story, they reach out to me in some way to let me know something about themselves and their lives, it’s amazing.

I feel like I’ve rambled on for a while and it’s been a rough day. The picture that came up from a year ago had you making a silly face and your eyes were wide open. For whatever reason, your eyes being so open broke me. I think it’s because when you were in the hospital I hoped and begged for your eyes to open.

I love you more than anything, my sweet boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.