Hi baby,

I wasn’t looking forward to today. I was so exhausted from yesterday. I had therapy at 5am, took Ellie to school, had a zoom meeting with the lady from SUDC, Lucas had a doctor’s appointment, and we had Kids Hurt Too tonight. Last night and earlier today I second guessed doing some of the things, but everything got done and I’m happy I did it all. Exhausted, but happy.

The zoom meeting I had today was with a lady from SUDC, which is a group for families who have dealt with the sudden and unexpected death of a child. I never knew stuff like this existed. I actually didn’t know about this until like a week ago? Miss Mandy found it. I swear, she finds so much randomness that’s so useful to me. She sent me a little text about how it’s good to have an ADHD friend because they get so involved with things. It’s true. I never knew this group existed and I have done my fair share of googling since you were in the hospital.

This group has so many resources. They have actual geneticists who can help explain results to us, someone who keeps in contact with the medical examiner to try and stay up to date on autopsy results, someone to let us know when the results are coming so we can prepare, and even someone who can explain the findings to us in non-medical terms I can understand. She also sent me a bunch of information about different groups that I can reach out to. Overall, an amazing resource that I probably never would have found.

When I was talking to this woman about your autopsy, I said I was worried it would say “drowning”. I think I told you this, but I really worry that if I wouldn’t have taken you guys to the beach that you might still be here with us. Maybe she’s was just trying to be nice? Maybe she doesn’t have a clue, but she had told me that if it was a “drowning”, that those markers are very visible during an autopsy. So if it was drowning, the autopsy shouldn’t take as long as it already has. We are now at three months, but probably have another three to go. Her saying that little bit of information gave me a little more space to breathe.

At Kids Hurt Too, both Ellie and Elijah shared about you during opening circle. I think that’s was their first time sharing that information. That’s amazing! It’s probably a lot easier to share information around a group of kids who have also lost someone important in their lives. We are taking what seems like baby steps, but I actually feel like they are more like leaps.

Elijah said he didn’t get any sleep last night because you kept calling his name in his dream. He was laughing about it and just said you kept doing it over and over again. I also feel like you may have been here last night. I was getting ready to put your brothers to bed and was turning their light on. When I went to tell Alexa to turn your light on, the smoke alarm in the boys’ room went off just once. We’ve been in this house over two years and that has literally never happened. They also changed the batteries in all of them last year so I wouldn’t think that was it. I question my sanity, but I would also like to think it was a little sign from you.

In my Facebook memories from three years ago, pictures popped up from the night we took the telescope out, roasted marshmallows by the fire pit, and watched Ice Age on the projector. We mainly got that telescope because of Lucas’ obsession with space. He was only four, so he didn’t really care about it. You were the one that was most interested that night. Every time we found the moon in the telescope and we would have it ready for you guys to look, you didn’t understand how to close one eye to look through it. Instead you guys had both eyes open and then would move around the telescope trying to see something. There was a lot of resetting that night. We also couldn’t get the sound to work on the projector, so we only heard the movie through the laptop. You guys didn’t care though, you thought it was awesome.

Although I don’t want to “do life without you”, it looks like that’s what I’m going to have to do. I have to do it without you physically here, but I would like to think you’re always with me. Thank you for loving me and allowing me to be your mom. Honestly, it’s the greatest job I will ever have. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.