My Isaiah Joseph,

Hi, handsome. The other day when I was looking through my videos of you, I found one I hadn’t seen before. We were living in Missouri and you were about three or four years old. I couldn’t finish the video. I didn’t even feel comfortable telling anyone about it because I just felt horrible about my choice.

I remember back during these days because you guys would delay bedtime. We would give you the option to watch your show just a little longer (I think during this time it was usually PJ Masks) or read your books before bed. You would always con me into doing both and bedtime would get pushed back.

On this certain day, I was trying to do good parenting. I guess I had given you the choice and you chose to watch a few extra minutes of your show. In the video, you were sitting on my bed, crying, asking me to read you the Clifford book. Seeing that video broke me.

I called Miss Madison and just started crying to her. I don’t know why, but Miss Madison gets a lot of my “messy” things. When I have questioned my parenting or choices after losing you, I always go to her. I know I was just trying to parent correctly. I know I was trying to teach you that although you had a choice, you chose one over the other. I was watching that video and just wanted to scream at myself to read you the freaking book. I wanted to just hug you and tell you I don’t care how much extra of your show you watched, I will read you a hundred more stories.

I was embarrassed. I felt like a horrible mom in that video. Miss Madison pointed out how I was just trying to parent you and it’s only a problem now because of what happened. You were an amazing kid so I couldn’t have royally screwed you up.

I’m sorry, I wish I would have read you that book. Losing you has made me wish I could go back to all those times I was “parenting” and just say “yes” to everything you ever wanted to do. Obviously, that wouldn’t be great parenting, but at least I would know that you were happy that night.

For all I know, you could have went right to bed after that like it was nothing. After watching that, though, I felt like the worst parent out there.

I love you more than anything, sweetie. I’m sorry, this parenting thing is hard and nobody gives you instructions. Goodnight and sweet dreams.