My baby boy,

Today started out fine and I got some things accomplished, but it quickly turned when I was making dinner and I was missing you.

I don’t know what it was, but all of a sudden I decided I wanted to try and get something from your friend Toby to put in your bedroom. Once I have a random idea involving you that doesn’t involve me personally going through memories in my mind, I just do it. We already have Carson’s carpet in your room, so add something else from your other friends.

Toby’s mom said that they talked about you all the time. That brings so much comfort and joy to me to hear. I get caught up in thinking if I’m not openly talking about you, nobody is. I obviously know this isn’t true, but it’s one of the lies I tell myself. It’s like I want to make things even harder for myself in this already impossible position.

I’ve never “missed” someone like this. I’ve lost many family members before you, but it felt much different than this. Obviously I missed them, but I only thought back to the good times. Even after they passed and I talked about them, it was only happy things like telling you guys how much Uncle Jim would have loved to meet you guys. It’s not a sad “what if”, it’s something else. I don’t even know how to explain it.

When I start really missing you it still includes physical reactions. I get a lump in my throat, my chest feels tight, and I get this feeling that I just want to scream. I think that this is how it’s going to be for the rest of my life. I don’t foresee this feeling going away.

While I was making dinner, I put on your playlist and unfortunately your playlist brings me back to the hospital. Your amazing nurses were nice enough to bring things into your room like a fun light and they always commented on your playlists. Individual songs can take me back to different times, but as a whole it’s that hospital room.

I love you more than anything in the world. Please check-in on us. Goodnight and sweet dreams, baby boy.