My baby boy,

Ellie and Lucas left for camp this afternoon. This is a gigantic step and I’m so incredibly proud of them. They were nervous about going, but this camp is giving them so much that I can’t. I can’t even relate to them on what it’s like to lose a sibling. I’ve never gone through that. Although we all lost you, we all lost something different. I’m hoping that getting to connect with other bereaved siblings allows them to feel as though they can relate to someone.

Lucas cried at drop-off, which I knew he would. I told both of them I want them to try and stay because it’s an amazing opportunity, but if they need me to come pick them up I will and we can try again next year. Lucas asked on the drive down if I thought you were in the car with us. Maybe that’s why he asked, maybe he sensed you were there. I told him I wasn’t sure, but I knew he’d most likely be checking in on you while you’re at camp.

Ellie called me tonight and was trying not to cry, but broke after a little bit. She said that she just missed me, but she was having a lot of fun. She also managed to get the top bunk, which was her goal while we were driving down to camp. I told her I would be “okay” and we said goodnight.

I got a call about Lucas soon after, he was upset in his bunk. However, one of the volunteers went to his bed to read to him. The lady in charge told me she would go check on him after we got off the phone and if he was still upset, she’d have him call me. I never got a call.

Elijah was struggling with Ellie and Lucas leaving. He’s very upset that he’s not old enough to go to camp and said he’d rather be there with them than home without them. Elijah actually started to tear up after we got back into the car to drive home. He seemed extremely surprised that it was happening, but I told him it’s just because he loves them so much.

Regardless if Ellie and Lucas manage to stay until Friday morning, this is a huge step forward for both of them. Lucas has never even slept away from home and it’s 10:01pm and he’s still at camp. I am just so incredibly proud of them for taking this step and hope they can both benefit from it. If they manage to stay, Elijah and I will be headed to Kennywood this week to get some quality alone time together.

I was exhausted today, the end of the nightmare week and making sure your siblings were ready for camp drained me. Please check in on Ellie and Lucas tonight. Maybe you could visit them in a dream or just give them the comfort they need to sleep through the night. I love you so much, my baby boy and am doing all that I can. Goodnight and sweet dreams.