My baby boy,
I’m going to keep this short because I’m exhausted. If I could describe my grief for you, it would be like I Spirograph. It was this toy I had as a kid and I’m pretty sure we had one in our house at some point. You put your pen in a hole and just keep moving the shape around in a circle and it makes this amazing design. My grief is a lot like one of these, though. You have no idea where it starts, you don’t know where it ends, it seemingly goes in every which direction, and intersects at all these different places.
Today we went to the Carnegie Science Center for the first time in three years. Do you remember that place? We went there a few times, but I think we went right before we moved to Hawaii. You really loved the sports part with the one human yo-yo thing and the rock wall. Unfortunately, the rock wall was closed today. However, your siblings took full advantage of the yo-yo thing and did it about six or seven times each. I did it once. I oddly asked the lady working if I was allowed and then I took my turn.
Out of nowhere in the science center, I just missed you. It wasn’t at the sports complex, it wasn’t even in an exhibit that was there the last time we went. It was in the middle of a Mars exhibit and your siblings were making special meals to bring to a neighborhood picnic.
Tonight I worked on starting to transfer all your letters over to your own page. It’s going to take much longer than I anticipated, but that’s okay. It was just emotionally exhausting having to go back through the past year of posts, pictures, and videos. It was just a lot thrown in my face, all at once.
I wonder what this pain will feel like when I’m eighty, if I make it that long. Will it still hurt the same way? Will the pain change? Will I feel closer to you because in actuality I am closer in time to seeing you? I have no idea, but I guess I will eventually find out. I can’t even fully describe my feelings now so maybe I still won’t even understand them.
The boys are really starting to miss you more. Please watch over them as their grief develops, they love you so much. I love you more than the world, my sweet boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.