Hi baby,

I wish I could just be with you right now. You could tell me about all the crazy stuff you’ve done. You could tell me I’m embarrassing you by writing these letters to you and putting them out in world. I would apologize, but this is the only way I’m making it through right now.

I had so many plans for all of us this summer. We were going to go back to Kennywood. Even though it’s not nearly as awesome as it was during my childhood, I know you guys would still enjoy it. I wanted to take you guys to the Dependable Drive-In. I always loved going there and we’ve never been to one. This weekend they’re showing Despicable Me 4 and Inside Out 2. That would have been absolutely perfect for us. You guys could have gone to the store before and picked out all your favorite snacks. Then you would have brought like three stuffed animals, a pillow (probably your squishmallow), and your Minecraft comforter. You would have loved just being there because for you, going out at night when it was dark out was the most amazing thing. You probably would have run around the car a lot before and between the movies and also would have thrown your stuffed animals in the air. I wanted to take you guys to play some mini golf at Sunset golf in South Park. You’d probably be the only one who finished the game and you’d get serious because I would talk smack. You’d also most likely bet me that you could win so you could get pizza for dinner. We would all enjoy our love for Rita’s and being back near it. Sure, it wouldn’t be Hawaiian shave ice, but it’s still good. We would go play at all your favorite parks over there and have your birthday parties out on our deck. I would also take you guys to your first Pirate game (Ellie has been to one, but I was just pregnant with you at that time). The games are “eh”, but I just like the atmosphere. You and your siblings would argue over who was going to win the pierogi race. I’m sorry none of this will happen. I was going to try my best to make it a great summer. You’re not missing much down here, we aren’t really doing anything. Just going day by day..surviving.

You were always the one who got the most excited about different things. You’re the only one who carved your entire pumpkin on Halloween while everyone else abandoned their Jack-o-lanterns before they were complete. You guys were always simple. When it was just you and Ellie, I used to joke that I might as well just take you to an open field instead of wherever we were. I brought you two to a touch a truck thing back in Tennessee by myself. You were obsessed with anything transportation at the time so I was so excited! We drove thirty-five minutes to the middle of nowhere..and you hated it. It was too loud, there were too many people, so you and Ellie pretty much played at the park and we left. I was also the one super excited to go to the air show in Missouri. Not one of you enjoyed yourselves and it was ridiculously hot. I always had the best intentions, but you guys never liked the things I thought you would. I would take you to a brand new park and you would spend your time running around in the empty field across the street.

I can’t help but notice that as I’m choosing pictures for these, I’m having to go further and further back to get to a picture of you. Baby I’m just so angry. We took you to the hospital in Maryland. The one paramedic even asked if they thought it was a seizure. She was the only one. Everyone else said “night terror”. You don’t forget your name after a night terror though. I should have pushed it more. I wish I would have known that if it was a seizure it wouldn’t have shown on any of the tests that they did. I feel like I could have saved you had I pushed more. Had I known more.

You deserved the world, but it was unfair. The world could be unfair to me, I couldn’t handle it. You guys don’t deserve anything traumatic to happen to you. That was my main goal with keeping you guys safe. Your life got cut way too short and we didn’t even have time to prepare for it. I love you more than anything and miss you so much. I’m sorry I just repeat myself half the time, but I cannot put into words how much I love and miss you. I’d give anything to be with you again.