My baby boy,

We are down to the last few days of summer. This year would have been a milestone for us, I would have had all four of you in school. Elijah is only half day kindergarten, but it still would have been a huge moment I would have celebrated. “Can you believe all four of my babies are now in school?! Time goes so fast!” I’d line all four of you up and annoy you as I made you take pictures as I do every single year. I will take the picture this year, but there will be no celebration. There will be no milestone. Instead, it’s just a place we are at in life right now where three kids go to school for a portion of the day. I never thought I wouldn’t get that mom moment of all her kids being in school. The smallest things in life you think are guaranteed, aren’t.

Ellie is really nervous about starting middle school. I wonder if she would be a little better if you were still here with us. You wouldn’t have been in her school with her this year, but maybe just your solid presence around would have made her a little more confident. Maybe if she hadn’t lost you her anxiety wouldn’t be as high as it is with everything. I just think that if you were here she’d feel less alone. She’s had to go through some major life changes the last year and a half without her best-friend and partner in crime, the one she loved to complain about.

Your loss brought a lot of pain to the world that I wish your siblings didn’t have to experience at such a young age. Without you, we don’t feel whole. There’s always this piece missing and it’ll never be able to be replaced.

Please keep an eye on your siblings the next few days, especially Ellie. She needs some reassurance that she’s going to be okay in middle school. I miss you more than anything in the world, baby boy. I love you so incredibly much. Goodnight and sweet dreams.