My handsome boy,

A year ago this morning, around 6:06am, you were officially declared brain dead. Today is just turning into an emotional day. I don’t know exactly what’s causing it, but I’m just crying. I miss you. I feel lost. I feel stuck. I just feel unhappy.

To make it worse, I went back into my Facebook memories and I saw what I wrote last year. This was the day I told my online world what happened. Today is when I started to receive so many of the messages I have yet to look at.

I don’t quite understand what “being strong” is after losing you. At any given moment I will break down and I never feel whole. There’s just this short lapse in events going on right now and it came at the worst time. With no school, no grief groups, and no activities, I have to just sit in all of it. It’s like I want a huge hug, while simultaneously slamming a baseball bat into a wall or racks of dishes.

I wish I could just look at your face and tell you how much I miss you. I wouldn’t even need you to talk back to me. I would just need eye contact so I know you’re taking in what I’m telling you.

I hate that I used to tell myself “it can’t get any worse” after everything that had happened before losing you. I just kept telling myself to hold on till we got back to Pennsylvania and I could start over new and repairing everything. I jinxed it. I was so caught up in surviving for the “better days” that I missed the end of my good days in life.

I wrote that previous part of my letter earlier today. I find that when I’m so overwhelmed with emotions and sad that writing to you helps. I cry a lot, but I think spilling out all my feelings to you helps. I kind of cry myself out and then am just left tired the rest of the day.

Tomorrow is the last day of the worst week of my life. Baby, we need a visit. I love you more than anything, sweetheart. Goodnight and sweet dreams.