My handsome boy,

This afternoon, I was reading a book in my room and Ellie was on my bed playing Roblox. She randomly just started asking questions about the day you passed. It was probably around a fifteen minute conversation. She kept playing Roblox while she was talking, but this is the first time she’s really went back to that day in more detail.

Ellie went back to how she noticed you and asked what was wrong. She asked me why I screamed for help right away when I got to you. She asked how all the people on the beach were able to help with you. Then she went into your time at the hospital and how you were having seizures the entire first day you were there. There was a lot.

It’s odd, but I find these times comforting. It’s a sigh of relief when I hear your siblings going back through and processing everything. Granted I don’t want their minds on that, but it’s good for me to know that they are processing everything and not just pushing it to the back of their minds. I can also appreciate how they feel safe enough to talk about these things with me. Like I told Ellie, I wish we had answers to what happened to you, but we never will.

The garage is a disaster with all the water that came in the other day. I tried to empty every cardboard box that was on the floor just to save everything, but we definitely lost some of the books you had on your shelf. A lot of “I can read” books and some Captain Underpants. I don’t even think you ever read those beginner readers, you just started with Dog Man. Your Easter baskets might be ruined, too. I’m going to see what I can salvage. Of course the garage couldn’t have flooded at any point in the five weeks we lived here before our household goods came.

I had a dream last night that I’m guessing will start coming more often now because we are a month away from when we lost you. It was focused around losing you on your birthday. I know it wasn’t your birthday, but we were close enough.

I have no idea what we are going to do on May 31st this year. Everything happened with you around 8:30am. I forget the exact time because I only heard it once in the hospital, but I think the 911 call came in at about 8:43/8:47am. Daddy has asked a few times what I’m planning to do, but I don’t know. If I was in Hawaii, we would go to the beach and have a pizza picnic. All I know is that I cannot sit in the house all day and just replay the entire day every single minute. Maybe we will get a Lego set, maybe we will do some community service, but we will talk all about you. I’m sure your siblings will go back through that morning in detail, but I hope it’s only once or twice.

I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.