My sweet boy,

Today wears like watching a movie where a mom loses her child and has a moment of people thinking “oh, that’s sad”. Remember how I told you about a month ago that I realized I hadn’t yelled your name since we lost you? Not screaming your name into the universe, but as if I were calling you from the downstairs for something. I did it today, I just planned on doing it once and sitting in that. Instead, I kept just wanting to yell for you. I probably yelled your name about fifteen times. At the last few times, my mind went to this place where I was waiting for a reply for you. I was waiting to hear your voice, see a light flash, or just something to happen. It was the same feeling I had when I held your hand in the hospital and asked you to squeeze my hand if you could hear me. I waited there thinking there would be something, but I never got it.

I don’t know why I kept wanting to yell your name, it doesn’t make sense. I felt the need to do it over and over again. Each time I told myself, “okay, that’s the last time”, I needed to do it again.

I also went to Target earlier today with Gma and Elijah to finish getting the rest of the candy that I needed from the elves. Gma came so she could distract Elijah while I got those things I needed without him noticing.

I just kept grabbing four of everything. Once I started, that’s what I kept doing. I figured I might as well also get some of the candy for everyone’s stocking, so I added that in. While I was getting the candy, I realized I was just going to use it interchangeably for either the elves or the stockings. The thought then popped into my head that I was getting all the candy to fill your stocking, too. Last year, we put a little toy in there and I think something else, but not all the candy. I didn’t want to stop myself and face what I was doing, so you will have a stocking full of treats, too. I guess that candy will just be given away after Christmas.

I feel like the Grinch because I don’t want Christmas to come and I’m ready for it to be over. I hope it’s not always like this. There was always this awesome “magic” to the season that having kids brought, but the magic went away with you. Now I’m just trying my best to do whatever I can so your siblings feel like it’s Christmas.

I spent some time today thinking about how different the Christmases are for your siblings now compared to what they were before. I think about how different theirs are now compared to mine as a child.

I want nothing more than to always be able to try and “make up” for whatever you guys don’t have, but it’s impossible. When we were always moving around I kept trying to make up for the fact that you guys never saw your extended family. When daddy would deploy or go to training I felt the need to make up for the fact that he wasn’t there and give you all the love you needed from both mom and dad. When we moved to Hawaii I wanted to make sure you got to experience everything you could there since not many people ever even get there during their lifetime. Now I’m alone with your siblings and we lost you. No matter how I try, I can’t make up for any of that, yet I try. I’m in survival mode myself, but trying to reach a standard that I could never reach given the circumstances.

I just give up for tonight. I love you more than anything, baby boy. I hope you heard me calling your name earlier. Goodnight and sweet dreams.