My sweet boy,

Putting your siblings to bed is such a lengthy process. Your brothers are supposed to be sleeping, but instead Lucas is playing his crane game and Elijah claims that he needs more stuffed animals on his bed.

It’s now 10:31pm and I just woke up in Ellie’s bed. Like I said, putting them to bed is an entire process.

While I was unpacking today, I came across your swim trunks that you had been wearing at the beach that day. I folded them up and put them in my drawer in my bedside table. I had even put them up to my face to try and smell you, knowing they were already washed months ago. I don’t know, it’s just trying to cling on to any little piece I have of you.

Your bedroom is coming along nicely. Today I unpacked all your Nerf guns and random piece of wood and laid them on the floor like you had them in Hawaii. I’m very are t peace with my decision to make your room just like it was in Hawaii. It’ll be a place where I can go and just think if you.

I’m not sure how this next chapter goes. I talked to my therapist about how I’ve heard the second year is the worst and she said it “isn’t, but can feel the worst because of loneliness”.

Tomorrow marks ten months. How the heck did this happen? I love you so much, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.