Isaiah Joseph,

Pap got the battery out of the van and we got a new one in it, the problem was seemingly solved and the van was running.

I dropped Elijah off at school, picked Ellie up early to see Lucas’ school performance, then we drove to Sarris’ after at Lucas’ request. I noticed that once we pulled into Sarris that the battery light was back on. I called pap, warned your siblings we were on borrowed time, and then they got their ice cream and candy.

About two minutes into our drive back home, all the electrical components in the car started to blink on and off and continued this the entire time. Then when we went up a hill and I pushed on the gas, the van went, but it sounded like I was revving the engine on neutral.

I was determined to not have to pull over on the side of the road. Remember when the van died on the highway in Hawaii? You guys were so scared as we stood off to the side on the shoulder and waited for the police and tow truck. I didn’t want the same trauma with your siblings and then walking the rest of the way home, since we were decently close.

We made it home, but I made the mistake of trying to back the van into the driveway so it could be jumped easier. I found out quickly that you could no longer reverse in the van and it died going across the middle of our road.

Your siblings ran over to ask our one neighbor for help and then I called pap. Our neighbor came out, managed to attach a chain to the bottom of the car, and then towed it off to the side. Pap then was steering it into the driveway while my neighbor and I pushed it up as much as we could, out of the street.

I got lucky we have that one neighbor. I apologized to him a few times that he has to randomly come and save the day. He’s randomly cut my grass and cleared the snow when we got a lot in January.

I cannot get rid of that van, it’s connected to you and all of the memories. I remember watching you in my mirror the first time we drove that van home. We ran out to get it the day after I went into the hospital with contractions with Lucas at 35 weeks. That van was like a whole new world for you and you could suddenly see out the window as we drove and you loved it. I would look in my mirror, at your face in your little mirror on the back of the seat, and just smiled. You also drew the smiley face and I think of you each time I wish I had a rear windshield wiper, but don’t. I look through my rear view mirror and see you sitting in your seat behind me.

A new car isn’t in the cards for us currently, regardless, but emotionally I’m not ready to let go of it either.

When things happen like today, I selfishly think you would have been the “man” here to help me. You’d only be ten, I know you would have been inside with your siblings, but you would have asked if I needed help.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.