My sweet boy,
There were a lot of little triggers today. The first one happened this morning and I didn’t even give it much attention at the time. Your brothers bought a plants vs zombies game for the switch and I was thinking it was similar to the one you guys always played on the PlayStation. However, it was actually a version that looked very similar to the one you guys played on the airplane when we moved to Hawaii.
I had therapy earlier this morning and talked to her about how I worry that other teachers would judge me when I’m subbing and think I can’t do my job because of how I am. I’m not a yeller, I’m not going to raise my voice, and as long as they’re getting their work done and nobody is getting hurt, we are good. Yesterday during our lesson on penguins, the kids got to watch a little video that had them waddle, flap, and slide like a penguin. When it came to the sliding part, some of the kids got really into it. I told them not to slide into anyone or any furniture, but they were free to “slide” around. For a second, I worried maybe they were making too much noise or what would someone think if they walked into this classroom right now? When I was telling her this in therapy, it was then that I realized that I treat the classrooms I sub in the same as I do our own home. I’m usually the parent that got questioned because I was letting my kids roll down the grass, chew on coupons while sitting in the shopping cart as a baby, and let you guys just scale the side of the mountains in Hawaii.
When I had my own classroom in Tennessee, I tried very hard to fit into the idea of what a teacher is that many of the people I worked with had. I didn’t enjoy it, it wasn’t fun, and I wish I would have had the confidence to go in a different direction. I guess I am just going more in that direction now.
Uncle Brandon came over tonight with the girls and somehow we got on the subject of Super Smash Brothers. I told him that we had the game for Nintendo 64, but it was still downstairs in the garage from when we moved back almost a year ago. Your brothers got very excited so I had to go down and get the system.
Not long after we lost you, we bought the kids the Nintendo Switch. It was in this phase of “oh my gosh, their life is so terrible, let’s try and just say yes to everything so they don’t have anything else to deal with”. It was tough to see the Nintendo 64 come back because it hasn’t been played much since we lost you. There were a few times here and there, but really hasn’t been used much since you were here. Those memories came back and hit me like a huge wave.
Honora’s birthday was last month, but we haven’t seen her since before her birthday. When they were over tonight, we gave her the birthday gifts that we bought her including a Pokemon coloring book with a set of cards. Uncle Brandon is now a “not entirely serious, just for fun” collector and I brought out my Pokemon cards from when I was in sixth grade and your siblings brought out theirs. Just as I had told him, not one of our cards were worth anything. I did go into your room, though, and brought out your binder and your tin with the “extra” cards in it. There was something about holding these things that you once loved so much that caused another wave.
It seems like you’ve been gone for so long, while it also feels like we just lost you. The pain and sadness that come from days like today just upset me even more. It’s the combination of knowing I don’t want to add anything more with the fact that I know this feeling that I have will be around for the rest of my life. How do you live with that?
I love you more than the stars in the sky. Goodnight and sweet dreams, baby boy.