Happy 4th of July baby,

Today is our first holiday without you. We didn’t do much. The neighbors invited us over and they had a huge blowup water slide right by the park. Elijah was too afraid to go down it, it was pretty high. I took him home and then stayed there with Ellie and Lucas, but not for that long. It was too hard to sit there and watch because I knew you would have loved it. I probably would have had to tell you to be careful and please chill out about a thousand times. We probably would have stopped by the concert. Remember we stayed there last year and you, Ellie, and Emily danced and just spun each other around. On our first 4th of July here we got shave ice for the first time. It was super expensive and not the best, but we had to try it. Our Fourth of Julys that we spent in Missouri were always the best. They always had so much to do, a concert, a bounce houses, random games, and a petting zoo. It was always so hot there. The Fourth of July after Elijah was born was spent watching the fireworks on our blow up mattress with Miss Whitney, Mr. Jordan, Bella, and Blake. They left for Louisiana just a few days later. You only had two years celebrating in Tennessee. I swear, they had the best fireworks.

We never do much anyway on the 4th. We just have picnic food, go to the event that post always has, watch fireworks, and just spend time together. The one year we had nothing to do between dinner in fireworks so we forced you guys to watch Ratatouille with us. Nobody wanted to give it a shot, but you guys ended up liking it. Daddy took everyone to see Despicable Me 4 today. Ellie said it was the best one. That was the one movie you were so excited to see when we went to see IF a few days before this mess. You couldn’t wait. Elijah was just sad and missing you today. He doesn’t know how to put it into words and describe it, but he just misses you. We all miss you. Daddy made his pork butt for dinner..you absolutely loved when he made it.

I will think of you tonight while we are watching fireworks. I will be able to visualize you running down that little hill by where we sit. You also thought it was always the most amazing thing to be over at the park when it was dark out. Instead of waiting with us, you just ran around with all the kids until it was about to start. Maybe you’ll be able to see the same ones we do. I bought a bunch of poppers and things for today. You know what I noticed? All the things are in multiples of three and now they can all easily be distributed between the kids. No “extras” that have to be sneakily given away, divided up, or used by me and dad. Just another random reminder out of the blue.

I was also reminded of you when I closed the van door and looked back to make sure it locked. There on the driver’s side sliding door was your drawing you were so proud of. We were at the Piney Hills Community Center for some playgroup I think. Miss Whitney was there and we were either getting you guys out or in to the car. You ran around the van while I was talking to Miss Whitney and told me you drew a rainbow! You definitely did, you drew a lovely rainbow on the side of the van with a rock. I think I just laughed, because of course you did. The rainbow still looks great carved into the paint. Then when we were in Virginia and about to leave for Hawaii, you were outside playing with the neighbors. For whatever reason, you figured it would be pretty cool to put a matchbox car on the back windshield wiper, pull the windshield wiper down, let go, and launch the car. It worked the first time. The second time you went to do it you snapped the whole windshield wiper apparatus off the back window. A little over two years later and we never fixed that.

You are deeply missed by everyone each and every day that goes by. When my mind starts to go towards the fact that I’m never going to see you again, it honestly feels like someone just punched me really hard in the stomach and I can’t catch my breath. It’s hard to take it just day to day and miss you in all the things. When I go down that road of never seeing you again, I can’t handle it. It crushes my whole world.

You were in Ellie’s dream last night and we were back at the beach. Ellie said you were playing in the water and then told her you needed to take a break. You went back on shore and laid down on a towel. When Ellie went up to check on you she asked “why does his face look like that?” She actually said it during her sleep too because daddy heard her. You had passed away. I hope that that and the dream I had a few weeks back is your way of telling us that this would have happened no matter what. I’m still hoping we get clearer answers.

I love you so much, sweetie. Please come and visit as much as you want. Please come in and just check in on us. Please just know that we love you more than the world and this entire family misses you so much. Goodnight, baby. We love you.