Hi baby,

I saw you today. I was the only person, but I saw you over and over again. We went back to Ellie’s gymnastics today and there you were. I saw you racing cars down the cement ramp over by the bleachers. I saw you standing on top of the dugout. I saw you in the gym bouncing the exercise ball and rolling it at your brothers. I saw you sitting in the chairs trading pokemon cards. I saw you attempting pull-ups outside on the bar. I saw all of us sitting on the ground playing bananagrams and trouble. I even heard you. I heard your voice super excited about a Pokemon trade you got. I also heard your voice telling me how stupid Ellie’s gymnastics is and you don’t want to be there.

Remember the time you guys got the airplane glider stuck up in the tree and I had to spend an hour throwing giant logs into the air to knock it down and find giant sticks to shake the branches. I got it down! You guys were not nearly as impressed as me. That was a “mom win” for me that day.

Remember that box of candy you got when you went to the mall with Carson? It’s still sitting in your room with some candy in it. I won’t let your brothers eat and of it and I can’t get myself to throw it away. I don’t know, maybe it’ll eventually make the move with us. Miss Clarissa gave us a frame from her and Miss Courtney with pictures of you and the neighborhood boys, but mostly you and Carson. We have it downstairs behind your urn. I don’t find it weird at all that in the majority of the pictures you’re eating something. One picture has ramen, one is you and a cupcake, and one is you and a giant corn dog. Miss Courtney essentially adopted you as her own for a few months.

I had a dream about you again last night, but it was more of a nightmare. We were over my Uncle Jim’s house, but I knew you had passed away. I just kept crying and trying to leave, but I couldn’t. I don’t think I’ve had one “nice” dream since all of this. Even the ones that don’t include you or you not there are violent and dark. I would just rather have no dreams at all. I would like just a little relief from this grief, even if it’s just while I sleep.

School starts on Monday over here. It seems like just yesterday it was the last day of school. Then the next day my world crumbled. I was upset when we were buying school supplies the other day. I ended up taking your backpack to the beach with me.

I miss you, sweetie. By the way, I had asked people before how to drain the ocean in Minecraft. That was one of the most recent things you wanted to know. According to Conner, you can do it by putting sponges in there and they absorb the water? I don’t know if that’s true, but he had seemed confident about it.

Send me an obvious sign soon, please. I want to actually feel like you are here with me. I love you so much and you were one of the four best things I have in my life. You and your siblings gave me a purpose and I was so incredibly proud of you every day. Goodnight and sweet dreams, Isaiah Joseph.