Hi sweetie,

Tomorrow is the first day of school, although if you were still here we would be in Pittsburgh and they don’t start just yet. This “summer break” was a blur of nothing. Your incident happened literally the first day of summer vacation. Since then, we’ve just been surviving over here and going through the motions. Hopefully with school starting back up we can get back into some kind of routine. You were going to be a big third grader. I’m sure all you would care about was if you got to play soccer every recess. I mean, that’s really the only thing that matters. I went ahead and got Mrs. Holmes just a little surprise for the first day of school. I know you would want her to have something she likes to start the school year off.

Baby boy I am broken. Ellie spent this afternoon crying looking at your pictures and standing by your urn. She doesn’t want to go to school tomorrow without you. Lucas has a breakdown tonight because he just misses you. Plus, Bella was biting on Slothy and that upset him. I don’t know why she loves your Slothy so much, but she still does.

Every day that I wake up I have to go back to convincing myself that this is reality. This is truly my life and you’re never coming back. I’m never going to hold you again. I’m never going to hear your voice call my name again. There’s no more crazy excitement for the little things either. If you were getting pizza or we said we would go get ice cream or something, you got so excited. I wish I didn’t have to live the rest of my life missing you with all I have. I wish I didn’t have to spend the rest of my years with this huge hole in me. It just seems like a really ridiculous bad dream that has to end. Even if it’s years from now, I will see you again. I wish it was guaranteed that parents outlived their kids. Or if they couldn’t guarantee it, I can step in to take your place. Nothing will ever be the same and nothing will ever be okay. We went to Cherry on Top today and talked about what you would have gotten. You loved it there and always filled your cup up with a ridiculous amount of things. I took a picture. I don’t think I’ve taken many pictures at all since you’ve passed. How can I take pictures of my kids if they’re all not there?

Tomorrow is going to be very tough. Maybe peek in on your sister at school? Isaiah, I want this nightmare of my life to end. You did not deserve this. You deserved everything the world had to offer.

I’m begging you for some guidance with this because I’m beyond broken and lost. I love you so much.