My baby boy,

Today was rough. I didn’t think it would be as sad as it was, but I was clearly wrong. It was also just mind games. I walked Ellie to school as I did all last year, but since you rode your bike you were always arriving at school way before us. So things just seemed the same as they had been just two and a half months ago. Then I was at home with Elijah and Lucas, it was easy to just let my mind think that you’re at school too. Then at pickup, the fantasy exploded. I was staring at all the kids walking up to the gate. Normally, I would look out for your orange helmet and that’s how I knew you were out. There was no orange helmet. There will never be another orange helmet. I saw Mrs. Holmes at dismissal and attempted to not make eye contact because I was going to lose it. She came up to talk to me though. I cried, but what’s new? She enjoyed the Sour Patch Kids we got her from you. You told me so many times that those were her favorite and I knew you would want her to start off her year with them. My baby, I’ve said it a hundred times now and I told Mrs. Holmes again today..I am so incredibly thankful you were under her care and guidance the last few months at school. Mrs. Holmes honestly brings me some peace within this chaos. Ellie went to see her in the morning and then she checked on her after school was done. You’re gone and she’s still being this amazing person for our family.

I know that I comprehend what has happened, but I feel like someone needs to sit me down and explain everything to me like a child. I need to be walked through losing you step by step. I need to constantly be reminded that I won’t get to see or hold you again. It doesn’t matter though, no matter how many times I remind myself I don’t seem to understand it. I will never “accept” losing you. Did you hear me last night in your room? I was begging you for some kind of sign from you. I’ve lost a lot of my faith in the after. Maybe I’m still missing these signs? Ellie had two dreams about you last night, I did tell you she was really struggling? Maybe that’s why she got the dreams. I don’t mind that at all, I just feel like I’m starting to think “what if there’s nothing?” What if I never see you again, even once I’m gone? That thought is crushing. What if my time with you is gone forever, even after this life?

As you can see, I’m spiraling down so I’m going to end this letter to you. I love and miss you so much. This family will never be the same without you. Goodnight and sweet dreams, baby.