My Isaiah,

It’s been exactly two months since I last kissed your face and today was absolutely horrible. I cried on my way home from walking Ellie to school this morning. I saw Jackson on the way to school, the same people from last year, nothing has changed, yet everything is different. I don’t know what happened today, but I was physically just sick today. It’s like I was so sad and upset that it just came out in anxiety, then to nausea, then I was lightheaded..just an overall horrible day.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I can’t feel this sad and horrible every single day. I need to figure out how to grieve you and still not miss out on the rest of life. I get into such a dark hole that if I am sad, I can’t do anything. I cannot function. I am missing the time I have with your siblings. I should be treasuring every second I have with them, but I can’t always get myself up and moving.

I’m so incredibly mad. I don’t know who or what I’m mad at. I’m just so angry that this happened to you. I’m so angry the signs were missed. I’m so angry we were at the beach. I’m so freaking pissed off that I had to freaking say goodbye to my eight year old when he couldn’t even hear me anymore.

I want you back. I wouldn’t do everything perfect, but I would love you just as much as I did before. I would let you make pancakes more using your own recipes. I would go places at night more just because you liked doing that. I wouldn’t even make you shower every single day. I had everything I wanted in life and then you just got taken away from me without a warning.