Hi baby,

It was another day filled with anger. I’m still not sure who or what I’m specifically mad at, but I just know that all I wanted to do was throw my coffee cup against the window when I got back from walking Ellie to school this morning. There’s a place in Honolulu where you can go and just break things and get your anger out, I may look into that. I used to have a punching bag in college, but that’s never helped with my anger. Honestly, the few times I used it for that it just made me more mad.

The boys’ genetic tests already came back. I don’t understand why yours took a month to come back and theirs took a week. The good news is that neither of the boys has the epilepsy gene. However, they both have the cardiac arrhythmia gene. So they’ll both be going to the cardiologist along with Ellie in the next few weeks. Hopefully once we go there we can see exactly what the issue is if there is one and how we need to proceed. Your pediatrician has been wonderful with helping getting everything organized and together for us in a decently timely manner. I’m very thankful for him.

Elijah has grown out of the 4T clothes, so I gave them to Mrs. Anne for her boys. There are a few things I couldn’t part with, though. There are certain shirts that I remember you wearing or absolutely loved when you wore so I held on to those. I kept that navy blue Puma shirt with the orange-ish rainbow thing on it (that probably makes no sense to you). I also kept the mint green shirt you wore a lot with the two jets on it. It says something on it, but I can’t remember off the top of my head right now. They’ll sit in bins with all the other clothes I’ve kept from when you guys were younger, except now there’s a little more attached to the clothing.

I played a voicemail on speaker today that you left just a few days before everything happened. I don’t know if you meant to call me from your watch, but you were getting on daddy’s case to come upstairs. I guess he was taking too long. As soon as Apollo heard your voice, he picked his head up and started looking around. When you yelled again his ears went up even more. It was heart warming, even Apollo misses you. He misses you because you were so lovable to him, but also gentle. Elijah and Lucas are lovable and smothering. You knew to give Apollo his space sometimes. Plus, he loved your “good morning pets” and “goodnight pets” that you started. He’s slept in your room a few times on your bean bag when Bella steals his bed.

I’m hoping to actually sleep tonight to possibly dream about you. I want nothing more than to see you and have you say something to me in my dream. You were only in the one and you were silent and passed away at the end, not exactly the kind I am looking for.

I’m going to talk to my therapist tomorrow on how to channel my “angry energy” into something else because the last few days have been rough. I want you to know that we all miss you so much and you are one of the most important things in the world to our family. I hope you’re always with me.